If you’re truly unattractive, you may be entitled to federal protection under the ADA act. This is according to University of Texas Economics prof, Dr. Daniel Hamermesh (Hamermesh, try to say it without gargling. If you say his name too many times in a row, your face might squinch up to where you qualify for ADA protection.)
I see this as a good thing. Even though, according to Hamermesh, only 1 or 2 % might qualify, if you’re ADA ugly, you might need protection.
If you’re ADA ugly, you’re going to get your own parking spaces. Of course it will be around to the side of the building, but…
Are you with me, folks? Have you thought about it? It’s the last bastion of accepted prejudiced. How many of you are proud to say you don’t want your son or daughter marrying an ugly person. Admit it!! Think about it, then ask these questions:
1) Who always gets passed over for promotions?
2) Who never gets to sleep with the boss?
3) Who, at a bar, never gets picked up until the beer goggles come out?
4) Who, at a restaurant, never gets a seat by the window?
5) Who never gets to have an open casket funeral.
If you answered all those questions with “The Uglies” you’re not wrong. Perceive it. Understand it. Explore your own bigotry.
According to Hamertesh, only 1 or 2 % may qualify and the term “ADA Ugly” will become part of our lexicon. How do you know if you’re in the 1 to 2 %? Here’s a few clues:
1) If you walk up to the cast of Swamp People and they go “Ewwwww”, you might qualify
2) If your eyes are narrower than Wallace and Grommit characters
3) If the bags under your eyes makes you look like Al Pacino and Giovanni Ribisi had a baby
4) If you’re hair makes Donald Trump’s look pretty, you might qualify
I know I do. Didn’t always but since my arm shriveled up and I emerged from a ten hour operation last February with what the doctors call a “flap” but it’s obviously a big hump on my back I now look like Quasimoto’s sister’s brother. (I mention Quasimoto’s sister because I used to say, back in my dating days “I couldn’t get humped if I were dating Quasimoto’s sister” but… apparently I was wrong.)
Yeah, I know, a lot of Hollywood liberals will want to join our cause, jump on our ugly wagon. But listen, fellow uglies, if they’re the pretty boys like Baldwin or Pitt, we don’t allow it. We stand up, we grab our sticks (you know what they call them) and we march on those pretty boys like the ugly mob that we are.
So I say to my fellow uglies, if Hamermesh gets his way, our ship is coming in. They won’t be able to discriminate against us. Happy days are here again. We’re going to be able to go back to the mall. We don’t have to shop at WAL-MART!!
We’ll get to go to the beach. Maybe even get to play frisbie.
We’ll get to tell the circus “No, thanks, but we can find a job elsewhere.”
All you ADA uglies, are you with me?
I remember a time when nobody wanted to be a nerd or a geek. And then they named candy after the nerds and people became truly impressed with geeks. I see the same future for uglies. When I get older and more shriveled I might sign up!
You’re a beauty, Theresa. You’ll never be shriveled so don’t get your hopes up about joining our club.
Sorry and na, na,na,na,na
I left off a “na.”
If there is money to be had, people will be applying in droves to be considered ADA Ugly. Such a great post Stan!
You know where most people will sign up, Donna? I’m guessing Iowa, the state famous for dissing attractive people.
They’ll get so famous for their ADA uglies, they’ll likely change the names of their cities. Sioux City will host so many legal actions, it’ll become “Sue City.” Ames will become “Ames Low.” Polk City will be renamed “Flaccid City.” Fonda will become “Not So Fonda.” Ainsworth will be “Ainsworth It.” Algona will be “Algona Leave This Place.” Essex will be renamed “Es No Sex.” And Balltown will be the place where all the Iowa Senators’ castrated thingees go to rest.
I need to re-explain the re-naming of Essex, Iowa. It now has many Spanish speakers, so the pronunciation should be “Es No Sex” with the “No” longed out like “Nooooooo”, then whisper the “Sex.” That will Latinize it.