In its never-ending quest to avoid originality at all costs, Hollywood’s latest trend has been reimagining the fairy tales we’ve all grown up with. Especially since they’re in the public domain and studios don’t need to buy the rights to them.
In the last few years, we’ve seen Hollywood turn Little Red Riding Hood and Snow White into action heroes. While that was sort of clever, there’s a movie being released this week that signals the fairy tale action hero has gone from interesting to ridiculous. That movie is Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters.
First of all, no guy named Hansel is ever going to be an action hero. No one will ever fear a dude named Hansel. It’s just not going to happen. Hansel isn’t the name of a badass motherfucker. Just ask Han Solo. Do you think he would’ve shot Greedo first if he didn’t drop the –sel? Of course not.
Han Solo blasts Greedo to oblivion. Hansel Solo orders a bottle of Pinot Grigio and a cheese plate so he and Greedo can talk about their feelings while the cantina band plays that same freaking song over and over and over.
One can only wonder which fairy tale Hollywood will tackle next and what genre they will use to reimagine it. It won’t be long before we see such dreck as:
Jack & Jill: The Hill: If you don’t have the guts, don’t fetch the pail.
The Three Bears: Mama Bear was too cold for Papa Bear, but Goldilocks was just right.
Rapunzel: Pray she doesn’t let down her hair.
Humpty Dumpty: This time somebody else is going to have a great fall because he’s not yolking around anymore.
Actually, that last one isn’t bad. Maybe I should write it. After all, you know what they say: If you can’t be the solution, be part of the problem.
Oh, and make sure to get a percentage of the gross.