Silliman on Sports
by Stan Silliman
LINDSEY AND LINDSAY, A COMPARISON
Lindsey and Lindsay, Vonn and Lohan: Both are in the news but one has a career going downhill and the other… oh, wait.
The skier, Lindsey Vonn, has been linked to golfer Tiger Woods (did you see what we did there… linked) and is, arguably, the best skier of our decade. The actress/model, Lindsay Lohan, is the thespian most likely to get Oscars. No, wait… we meant Oscar Levants, awards given to the drunkest actor or actress.
This is what you have to look forward to, folks, a bunch of skiing and D.U.I. jokes. We can talk about the time Lindsey Vonn took a bad fall and sprawled at the bottom of the mountain. Or we can refer to the pictures taken two days ago with Lohan sprawled under the table of a Sao Paolo nightclub. Actually, Lindsay’s camp said the picture was taken while she was trying to hide from paparazzi. Yeah, sure, from an actress with the nickname, LiLo. While in Sao Paolo, she confessed to her sister to sleeping with a Brazilian. Her sister then replied, “That’s slutty. How many is a brazilian?”
Should we lay off Lohan because of her possible dyslexia, proven when her gynecologist told her to go out and get an IUD. We don’t believe that. She knows her lines and we don’t mean cocaine. Lohan played the part of Liz Taylor in “Liz and Dick.” Some questioned casting Lohan as the bedazzled Elizabeth Taylor but Lindsay said not to worry, she’ll come up with the jewels.
She just finished filming an episode of “Anger Management” with Charlie Sheen. Whoa, wait, this paring lends itself to too many jokes. “Two a Half Grams?” We’re not going there. “Winning?” in like finding yourself a good lawyer, we’re not going there. Sheen lent Lohan $ 100K to assist her with her back tax bill. Did he leave it on the dresser? We’re not going there.
What’s the connection between Lohan and Vonn, besides both ladies being extremely familiar with white powder? Not much, other than they both dated athletes, Lohan with Alex Rodriquez for a few minutes and Vonn with basketball player, Kris Humphries, before Woods. The athlete connection carries through when you consider Lohan idolizes Marilyn Monroe, even played Marilyn in a very bad film called “InAPPropriate Comedy.” Yeah, as if Marilyn ever had to wear an ankle bracelet in a movie. Yes, there is a sports connection, both Lindsay and Marilyn hooked up with Yankees.
Lindsey Vonn has her own iconic celebrity she idolizes, Sharon Stone, and even made a photographic homage to the infamous “Basic Instinct” cross-legged, cross examination scene. Lindsey as Sharon and Lindsay as Marilyn, Basic Instinct meets the Seven Year Itch. Yes, it was seven years from the time Tiger proposed to Elin to their divorce but, and we all want to know, did he also have some kind of basic instinct? Okay, that’s a stretch.
Has dating Vonn been good for Tiger Woods? Apparently, he’s winning and the media even gave the couple a cutesy name: Liger. What if they marry? Will we one day read about a ski pole smashing out the back window of Tiger’s car? Will they have a kid who can ski the back nine in four under par? Who knows? What we do know is by the time Liger has a grown kid, Lindsay Lohan will probably have met her drug induced death. We hope not. It wouldn’t teach the right lessons plus it wouldn’t hurt in child raising terms for Lindsey and Tiger to have LiLo to point to as someone to never be.