The New Olympic Sport

The recent decision to remove wrestling from the 2020 Olympics caused a furor in some circles. But here’s the good news – this means there’s now a spot open for another sport requiring endurance and super-human strength. To me, it’s obvious what that sport should be – The Filibuster.

If you saw Rand Paul’s recent thirteen hour filibuster you’ll know what I mean. Reactions to it were mixed – some saw a defender of the Constitution, while others were reminded of those guys who sit on a street corner with an open container and rant all day about repression from an imminent One World Government. Either way, Rand’s act took immense strength and stamina (that or a burning desire to position himself for the next Presidential election).

Bernie Sanders of Vermont once filibustered for 8 hours, 37 minutes. When asked how he did it, Bernie reportedly said “I just pictured myself as a drop of maple syrup, inching down a tree.” Sure, he came in 4 hours, 23 minutes shy of Rand Paul, be he should get credit for actually making sense. In a filibuster that should count for something, so the Olympic version would need to give points for coherence in addition to endurance.

To date, Strom Thurmond holds the filibuster gold medal at 24 hours, 18 minutes. According to the Village Voice, Strom took steam baths for days to prepare for his 1957 filibuster. By dehydrating his body beforehand he was able to drink water for hours without using the restroom. See? Strom was losing water-weight to maximize his chances in battle, just like an Olympic wrestler would.

The official story was that Strom was protesting the Civil Rights Act. My theory is that, being a life-long racist, he was buckling under the secret knowledge that he’d fathered a black child years earlier. Being what you’ve been taught to hate is tough, so he needed to do something to distract his conflicted mind. And filibustering for a full day was probably easier than explaining the situation to the wife.

Some will claim that no one’s gonna watch an Olympic sport where attention-seeking politicians drone on and on. Wrong. You put Bernie Sanders or Rand Paul in one of those mono-kinis that wrestlers wear, and people are gonna tune in by the millions. I can guarantee it.