How much money does it take for girls to think an ugly guy is hot? I have $32 in my pocket and I drive a used Camry. Come at me, ladies.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) May 7, 2013
My 2 y.o. fears a monster under her bed. I told her not to worry about him b/c there’s a bigger 1 in her closet. I might be doing this wrong
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) May 7, 2013
If you ever say, “This can’t possibly get any more awkward,” I instantly teleport to wherever you are to prove you wrong.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) May 7, 2013
When I was rude to you, I wasn’t being thoughtless. My disrespect is always carefully planned and perfectly executed.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) May 7, 2013
Whenever someone else drives, I always call shotgun. That way I can deal with any clay pigeons we encounter on the way.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) May 7, 2013