If a dog kills someone, the law says his owner is a murderer. My dog just sniffs people’s butts. I think that makes me a sex offender.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) June 1, 2013
I can turn bread into toast. My 3-year-old thinks I’m a wizard.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) June 1, 2013
I add chocolate syrup to regular milk to make chocolate milk. I add vodka to regular anything to make breakfast. I’m basically a chemist.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) June 1, 2013
My high school reunion is coming up. I need to do something with my life. So far my biggest accomplishment is that I don't own any cats.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) June 1, 2013
My wife remembers the birthdays of all our friends’ kids. I didn’t remember they had kids.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) June 1, 2013
I feel like I just hit the jackpot seeing that you write here! I’ve been a fan of yours for years, as I think your tweets are genius. I’m the newest author to this page and I’m honored to be an author on the same site as you.
Seriously, I’m in awe. It’s like I’ve seen a unicorn. I guess in a way….I have….