Whenever a buddy introduces me to his girlfriend, I tell her, “It’s cute how you think he’s straight.” Then I squeeze his balls & walk away.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) August 1, 2013
I don’t want to alarm you guys, but I’m in a dark place right now.
*finds basement light switch*
Never mind.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) August 1, 2013
Female coworker: “What’s the weirdest thing you ever ate?”
Me: “Ewe.”
Now I have to see HR for some reason. I guess they don’t like mutton
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) August 1, 2013
“Don’t worry, this won’t ruin our friendship. We weren't friends to begin with.”—the wrong way to accept an apology, apparently
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) August 1, 2013
My wife is the hunter and I’m the gatherer. She hunted down & killed the fun in my life, & I gathered myself so I didn’t cry in front of her
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) August 1, 2013