Recently, I had a friend visit who had graduated with a minor in computer science. In exchange for lodging in my home, I handed him my computer and basically demanded he do fancy things, like download French movies and show me how to directly search Youtube (so that I didn’t have to make the HUGE effort of putting a “y” into my search bar and then clicking enter when the computer reads my mind). But, the best thing he did was something I didn’t even know existed.
My friend inserted ad-blocker into my Google Chrome browser. Ad-blocker is just what it sounds like: the reincarnation of a magic unicorn into a bunch of javascript (is that what it’s called?) to block every single ad on your browser, including when you are streaming videos from questionable sites and every annoying box on Facebook. Now, I can watch my fuzzy videos in peace.
But in the wake of their untimely death, I have decided to sort these ads into the appropriate groupings to give them…homage they don’t deserve. Here are some examples and groupings (in order of family, genus, and species).
Family: Flashing Video/Chat Room.
Genus: Infuriating Pop Up
Species: Hot Russian Girls In My Area! (Note: Sometimes Russian can be replaced with Ukrainian, or any other former country of the Soviet Bloc)
This particular type of ad makes me want to vomit. But when I’m not feeling nauseous, I just wonder how these ad people expect me to believe that some super hot Russian girl happened to make her way to my no-name suburbia. How is that even remotely plausible? In the real world, she would be totally dating her hot Russian male counterpart or some New York politician and not be sending me chat room messages saying, “Hey u….r u there???? Im soooo lonely…hello??????”
Family: Large colorful bar at top of page
Genus: An ugly cartoon of someone pinching belly fat, then it miraculously disappearing (Note: sometimes this cartoon is replaced with a photo shopped picture of a fat person who then turns skinny in their bathroom and whose face is not even close to being the same in both pictures)
Species: the TAKE THIS PILL AND NOT BE FAT ANYMORE “temptation”
This type of ad makes me sad for America. I feel like our country would be the only country in which someone would actually click on this ad in some delusional hope that they too will look like the disproportionate, shrinking cartoon in the picture. I want to scream at my computer to stop ASSUMING that I want this pill that is probably made of sugar and water or doesn’t even exist. When you assume, Google Chrome, you make a fat ass out of you and me.
Family: Small, side picture
Genus: Facebook ad
Species: Walmart – 347 of your friends like Walmart. You should like Walmart, too. (Note: Walmart can be replaced with any other disreputable thing, like the Biebs, Fruit of the Loom Undies (aka wedgies), or Bath and Body Works).
Wait, hold on, I have 347 friends that like Walmart? One moment while I go un-friend them. This type of ad makes me absolutely livid. Why is Facebook assuming that I want to like everything that my friends like? We are all unique, wonderful, sassy individuals! (Except for the 347 that like Walmart. Virtual friends we are no more).
There are many other species of ads but I honestly have blocked them from my browser and therefore my mind. Everyone, if you have Google Chrome, and you are tired of people telling you about free live cams, detergents, or how to make money SO FAST, then just download it. Do it. It’s good for your soul, like those Chicken Soup books but way better.
If there are hot Russian girls in your area, they’re too busy telling Anthony Wiener to stop sexting them to meet men.