Apparently, when someone says they got married, the appropriate response is “Congratulations,” not five minutes of sinister laughing.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) August 17, 2013
The nicest piece of exercise equipment I own is a stationary bike. It’s actually a regular bike, but it never moves because I don’t ride it.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) August 17, 2013
Protip: Honking your wife’s boob doesn’t count as giving her a massage, even though it totally should.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) August 17, 2013
“Don’t be a hypocrite.”—a hypocrite
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) August 17, 2013
Protip: Don’t tell a woman to “get over it” unless the “it” you’re referring to is your own dead body.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) August 17, 2013