My 3-year-old: “What’s that?”
Me: “A sewer grate.”
Her: “That’s where the Ninja Turtles live!”
Me: *gives her whatever she wants forever*
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) August 18, 2013
My mom found my Twitter account. I’m sure she enjoyed my running commentary on my alcoholism and my wife’s vagina. Christmas should be fun.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) August 18, 2013
I don’t know why ramen comes with a flavoring packet. I usually just salt it with my tears.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) August 18, 2013
“Be careful. I don’t want my sexiness to overwhelm you.”
Times I’ve used this line on my wife: 682.
Times it’s led to sex: 0.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) August 18, 2013
I guess “I’m so mad I could kick an ostrich” isn’t a thing normal people say. It’s also not a thing they do. I should let the ostrich go now
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) August 18, 2013