As World Tensions Rise, Blinken to Hold “Dirty” Louie, Louie Lyrics

WASHINGTON, D.C. Responding to concerns about his age as the campaign season kicks into high gear, President Joseph Biden agreed to turn over one of the nation’s most closely-guarded secrets, the “dirty” version of the lyrics to the rock song “Louie Louie,” to Antony Blinken, the first Secretary of State to own a Fender “Stratocaster” guitar.

“A fine little girl . . . is waiting for me!”

 

“Fine, if everybody’s going to get all paranoid, Blinken can carry the ‘Louie Louie’ football,” Biden said, referring to the briefcase containing nuclear codes which, when activated, transform the copyrighted lyrics into the ribald version of the song typically performed at frat parties.

Blinken accepted the awesome responsibility with the self-effacing humility that has become the Yonkers, New York, native’s trademark. “When I first heard that song I–-like a lot of other red-blooded American boys–-spent hours with my ear up to my stereo speakers, trying to decipher lyrics that I thought would unlock the meaning of life,” Blinken said to a gaggle of music reporters from the front porch of his home near the Potomac River. “I never thought that we might have to use the song that has brought so much joy to so many horny young people as a weapon.”

 

“Louie Louie” was written by Richard Berry in 1955 and has become part of the canon of rock ‘n roll classics that have withstood the test of time. Perhaps the best-known version of the song is by The Kingsmen, in which the mock-Jamaican lyrics are rendered in an unintelligible fashion, giving rise to speculation that the distortion conceals prurient matter.

                 The Kingsmen

“We have known about the dirty words of ‘Louis Louis’ for some time,” said Christopher A. Wray, Director of the Federal Bureau of Investigation, using the song’s formal, legal name. “Pornographic content concealed in popular culture was once used to destroy America’s youth, but there are unfortunately no remaining American youths who haven’t been corrupted.”

Wray: “Me find a bone . . . ah, in her hair?”

 

The song was the subject of an FBI investigation in the sixties when an outraged parent wrote to Attorney General Robert Kennedy to complain that The Kingsmen’s version was “obscene and pornographic.” After listening to a 45 rpm record played at 33 rpm’s and deciphering the lyrics, Kennedy took swift action. “Hey Jack–Teddy!” he was quoted as saying at the time. “C’mere–listen to this!”

The lyrics to “Louie Louie” are America’s third most closely-guarded secret, after the formula for Coca-Cola and the recipe for KFC Popcorn Chicken. According to Matthew Miller, State Department Spokesperson, Blinken has long kept a notebook in which he writes down his interpretations of the song’s muddled vocal track. An excerpt that has been making the rounds contains this entry:

At night, at ten, I’ll see her again.
Share crib notes from-ah-class today.
Ah on her bed, I dropped my pen–
I smelled some toast . . . ah, in her hair.

Blinken has responded to a increasingly hostile White House press corps with a less defensive tone than his boss, leading some reporters to wish privately for Biden to step aside and let a younger candidate emerge, a possibility that Blinken rejected. “What do you do if the President resigns?” he asked Meet the Press host Kristen Welker, alluding to principles of succession under the U.S. Constitution. “The Vice President is in charge,” she replied. “What happens if the Vice President dies?” Blinken persisted, to which Welker responded “The Speaker of the House is in charge.” “And what happens if the speaker dies?” Blinken asked sharply, guessing that Welker would be ignorant of a basic provision of the U.S. Constitution.

Welker: “Nancy Pelosi? Roger Goodell?”

 

When Welker hesitated, Blinken answered his own question: “You go to BestBuy and get a new one.”

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