I said on my résumé that I’m goal oriented. I left out that my goal is to do as little work as possible without getting fired.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) September 11, 2013
My wife: “Do you get what I’m saying?”
Me:“That we should have sex right now”
Someday that’ll be the right answer. Today was not that day.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) September 11, 2013
3 y.o.:“I’m scared.”
Me:“Why?”
Her:“B/c dinosaurs eat people.”
If my wife asks, this had nothing to do w/ letting her watch Jurassic Park
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) September 11, 2013
My boss told me I should smile more. Instead I frowned so hard I sprained my face.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) September 11, 2013
Don’t give me those doe eyes. Seriously, they’re gross. Quit playing with road kill and wash your hands.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) September 11, 2013