The National Security Agency (NSA) is apparently collecting phone records from millions of Verizon customers. This comes as part of a top secret court order issued on April 25, 2013.
As a Verizon customer, I’m not overly concerned about the data collection, as I have nothing to hide, other than a few extra pounds, of course.
Don’t worry, though. I hide those under flowy shirts and long dresses. Let’s keep that top secret.
What I’m more concerned about is what my call data says about me, and what NSA will gleam from my phone records.
So, I decided to take a look at my call history over the last few days to see what kind of data is being collected on me, and what kind of profile would be created based upon such data.
I’m so patriotic.
The results were disturbing, but then again, if you read my blog and/or posts, you already knew that. Here’s what my investigation revealed.
<Cue ominous music>
Over the last several days, I’ve made a number of calls to food establishments.
From calling to obtain hours of operation, to asking if I can use expired coupons from a competing chain, to making reservations under the name “Ivana Humpyu,” the number of calls I’ve made to restaurants is a bit embarrassing. As a result, I won’t disclose that information.
This is yet another example of my patriotism.
Side note: I’m beginning to think my extra pounds and my personal goal to eat the entire contents of a buffet table may be logically related.
Second side note: Ponderosa does not accept expired coupons from Old Country Buffet. Who knew? Apparently Ponderosa did.
In addition to food related calls, I also saw an abundance of calls to my doctor.
Granted, there’s a perfectly good reason for the calls, but it still looked suspicious nonetheless. And no, it wasn’t for warts.
I got those taken care of last visit.
There were also several calls made to Los Angeles in an effort to locate Ryan Gosling’s agent. I can no longer contact Ry-Ry personally, as the restraining order specifically prohibits “any contact of any kind.”
If you ask me, Ryan overreacted when he found me taking a much-needed soak in his tub. Apparently he’s a shower kind of guy. Noted.
So until the restraining order is released (come on 2015!), I will continue to
stalk call his agent for updates on Ry-Ry’s whereabouts.
It’s not a crime to end up at the same place he does, right? (According to the LAPD, it is a crime if there’s a court order in effect. Pft!)
That’s as far as I got in my phone record investigation. At that point I decided I was hungry and needed to order a pizza, follow up with my doctor on that prescription ointment, and then send my love to Ry-Ry.
See? A totally normal call history.