A Book Review Of “Russia’s Eurasian Revenge”

Here in America you’ll find reviews of books by foreigners, mostly European crime writers. But you rarely find good, solid reviews of books by Russian authors. It almost seems that Russian writers, like Russia itself, are under attack from the West. So today I’m writing that injustice. Below is my review of Russia’s Eurasian Revenge, a new book from Aleksander Dugin, a radical pro-Kremlin philosopher who advocates the restoration of the Russian Empire.

In this gripping and compelling thriller Tom Selleck is recruited out of retirement to defend Mother Russia from the “global dictatorship” of the West. Tom buys a fashionable leather coat for his journey to Moscow but, realizing at the last minute how cold the place is, decides to add in a welder’s mask to stop the winds from freezing his eyeballs.

Once landed, Tom heads up a band of thuggish dudes in track suits as they bravely battle back against the West. Things start looking up as Caviarstan, a tiny fishing nation, rejoins the motherland. But then a shocking thing happens – the price of oil plunges. With the vast majority of its export revenue tied to oil, currency reserves at the Central Bank plummet. The economy tanks. The Kremlin is unable to bail out debt-laden companies run by Putin cronies, causing unemployment to skyrocket. In a final blow to national pride the ruble is renamed “the rubble.”

To raise money for the fight, Selleck shaves off his beard and sells it on Ebay. But since he’s aged, the mustachioed Selleck now slightly resembles Adolf Hitler. The nation turns against him. In a gripping scene near the end of the book Selleck stands before his vodka-swilling thugs and shouts “Fuck you, I’m not Adolf Hitler, I’m Magnum P.I.!!!”

But it’s too late. In the shocking finale depicted on the cover, Russian citizens parachute out of jetliners in a desperate attempt to escape to England. Selleck, drowning in despair, turns to singing show tunes.

If you’re prone to believing propaganda from sources like Fox News that tell you you’re constantly under attack, this book is definitely for you.