Christmas came early this year when I opened my health insurance policy details for 2015. Aetna increased the premium by 40% and tore holes in the plan’s coverage big enough to drive an ambulance through (ambulance service might not be fully covered).
I call it the Designer Bikini Plan: very expensive and covers next to nothing.
After reasserting some control over my blood pressure (high blood pressure caused by insurers probably not covered), I delved deeper into the morass of double-talk and discovered a gift. I am covered for pregnancy.
OK, I’m beyond child-bearing age and male, but here is something that the insurer is giving back.
My initial dismay soon gave way to hysterical laughter. After I managed to regain control (laughter-induced asphyxiation might not be covered) realization dawned. This was a gift that could keep on giving; there is a method to Aetna’s madness (probably not covered).
If I manage to get pregnant I will sell my story to sundry news outlets and publishers, and the makers of a reality TV series. I’ll make so much money that my health policy premiums will become a drop in the proverbial bucket. I’ll be laughing all the way to the bailed-out bank. Genius! No more headaches (probably not covered) trying to figure out how I’ll pay for a premium that could be the GDP of a small country.
I started to think big. I’ll become a Maleternity guru and start my own health insurance company. I’ll earn huge profits from thinking of ways not to cover illnesses and driving customers crazy (probably not covered) with telephone mazes and hapless customer service reps.
So, if you are depressed (probably not covered) by your health care policy take heart (cardiac arrest might be covered in some cases), Aetna has you covered – you just haven’t seen it yet (eye care is not covered).