And The NCAA Tournament Champion Is.. | HumorOutcasts

And The NCAA Tournament Champion Is..

April 4, 2014


Okay, you didn’t win a billion dollars. You’re not alone. Not one person in the Billion Dollars Warren Buffett Quicken Loans Pick All The Winners contest won. So Warren didn’t have to pay out. Finally, something worked out for that guy. I have a feeling that many statisticians and math whizzes entered the contest and lost. They had all kinds of systems, using algorithms and even understanding what algorithms are. They still lost. Why? Because they didn’t feed their machines the right information.

Maybe they should have looked at a different set of statistics.
I’m going to use the “point system” of picking Monday night’s winner:
It always seems like the winner’s colors are either red and white or blue and white. So give Wisconsin, Kentucky, and UCONN one point each.
I hate to pick on the Gators, but deduct one point from Florida for having a coach whose son plays on the team. It gets too complicated and unpleasant to watch. (Do the words “Bob Knight” mean anything to you)? While we’re at it, I’m going to deduct another point from Florida for Billy Donovan naming his son Billy Donovan. So far, Florida is at -2.
In the recruitment battle, as a demonstration of how far coaches go to get kids to play for their team, I award two points for every player who doesn’t come from the United States. The University of Connecticut wins this one because of the players that it has attracted from Connecticut’s close neighbors, Jamaica, Ghana, and Germany. (Nice try, Wisconsin, but Germantown doesn’t count).
I have to award five points to the coach who is hated more than any other coach every year – John Calipari. They wouldn’t hate him if he were a loser.
As everyone knows, sentimentality is worth 12 to 16 points in big games. It seems that everyone is excited for Wisconsin coach Bo Ryan for finally getting to the Final Four. He teared up after beating Arizona, saying the game was dedicated to his late father, Butch. I’m tempted to deduct points because of people who have names like Bo and Butch, but I can’t let my emotions get in the way of science. Wisconsin gets the sentimentality bonus of five points.
Experience counts. Therefore, the “They’ve Done It Before” points go to Calipari and Donovan. Two each. College coaching is a killer profession, so I have to award Billy Donovan 5 big points for being the coach who looks like he’s in the best shape. Donovan and Ryan tie for Haircut That Is Only Seen On Coaches, earning their teams three points. UCONN gets one point for having the shortest player in the tournament whose name is Long.
So according to these calculations, UCONN should be cutting down the net Monday night.
Unless, of course, I should have awarded points for having the most players who are 6-8, having the heaviest player in the Final Four, having the best shooting seven footer, or for a coach having a wife named Ellen.
Enjoy the games.

Lloyd Garver

I was fortunate to be involved in one of the Golden Ages of Television comedy. I wrote and produced television shows ranging from "Sesame Street" to "The Bob Newhart Show" to "Family Ties" to Home improvement" to "Frasier." (I've also read many books, some of them in hardcover). I grew up in Chicago, went to college at the University of California at Berkeley, and got my Masters at Northwestern. Then I followed my dream to become a serious writer… by driving to Hollywood and getting a job writing questions and "ad lib" jokes for the game show, "Hollywood Squares."I wrote spec scripts in my spare time while I was toiling away at "Hollywood Squares," and after a few years sold my first to a show called, "Love, American Style." After that, I was lucky enough to continue to write for many comedies for the next 30 years or so. However, I always had an interest in writing essays and columns. An early "My Turn" column for "Newsweek" about the evils of Nintendo resulted in my being a guest on "Oprah." I assume that she will support me if I ever run for President.I have been a weekly humor and opinion columnist since 2001. I have written columns for "The Kansas City Kansan," "The Denver Post," "The Santa Monica Daily Press," "The San Francisco Examiner," Crawford Texas' "The Lone Star Iconoclast," and the "The Jewish Journal." My column has also run on line on and I wrote a sports column for It has also been syndicated to hundreds of papers and sites. I was also recently honored by the National Society of Newspaper Columnists for a column I wrote about the NCAA final four tournament. In this age of suspicion, I feel compelled to give you a guarantee about me. I swear that I have never written a column or a script while on steroids or other performance-enhancing drugs. All right, once I took a swig of some Human Growth Hormone, but it gave me gas.

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One Response to And The NCAA Tournament Champion Is..

  1. April 4, 2014 at 6:19 pm

    I have to believe Kentucky and Florida are the favorites. If they play in the final, it will be a classic battle of experience vs athletic ability. I;d love to see Calipari come up short — not because I hate him, but because we need to set an example for players that “one-and-done” is bad for college basketball, not so much for individual players but certainly for whole teams. And, I am a Kansas fan, through and through, but we need more upperclassmen!

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