Bail

Mr Sullivan,

Thank you for your interest in Florida Coastal School of Law. We are a for-profit college owned by a private equity firm based in Chicago. For-profit law schools like ours are similar to Ebola cases in America–rare but toxic. Our business model relies upon admitting a large number of severely under-qualified students who take on massive, federally-backed loans which don’t affect our profit margins if they’re not repaid.

After reviewing your transcripts we’ve determined that you are totally under-qualified and therefore perfect for our school. Congratulations! Go get that loan!

Here at Florida Coastal we don’t do things the same way those musty, old schools with class do. We offer dynamic seminars  in addition to the regular curriculum. By “going Coastal” you can attend these excellent seminars:

Shark Bite 101

Shark bites are the new dog bite. Since the damage to life and limb is far worse, you’ll learn how to really cash in. Show me da money!!

Beach Sand Kicking

Playful beach antics or aggravated assault?

Sunburn Litigation

Yes, you can sue the sun for damages. We’ll show you how.

Making The Most Of Coastal Erosion

Global warming is your friend when it comes to beachfront property. You’ll learn how to sue a former homeowner even when your client knew his house would soon be under water.

Speaking of being underwater — here at Florida Coastal you’ll watch as the sun sets on both your career and your financial stability.

As an added bonus you’ll get hands-on experience executing class action lawsuits. Because as a former student you’ll be part of one that is launched against Florida Coastal!

This is a shipwreck waiting to happen. Welcome aboard!