Cannibal Rats Cruises’ One Way Voyages | HumorOutcasts

Cannibal Rats Cruises’ One Way Voyages

January 30, 2014


Do you have an annoying neighbor who blasts Justin Bieber until five in the morning? Do you have a tyrannical boss? And how do you simultaneously reward your nagging spouse and collect on that rather large insurance policy you thoughtfully took out yesterday?

Well, Cannibal Rats Cruises has the perfect thing for you. We are proud to have taken possession of the Lyubov Orlova. The previous owner’s bankruptcy is in our gain. Left abandoned in Newfoundland for two years, it rapidly became one of a kind, a floating zoo, except for the lack of lions, tigers, bears, and many other creatures. Okay, this floating zoo consists entirely of rats. But how many cruise ships can claim a rat zoo?

Originally sold to the Dominican Republic, a nation proud of its rat-free cuisine, the Lyubov Orlova never made it there. The vessel broke loose from the tow ship the very first day at sea. This fact was never noticed.

“Hey, Pedro, have you seen that cruise ship we’re towing?”

“No, Pablo, but I haven’t been looking for it”

The Canadian authorities recaptured the wandering ship a little later. But the tow line snapped again. “In retrospect, using a Slinky to connect our tug to the Lyubov Orlova seems insufficient says an imagined Captain Amos Keeto of the Canadian Icy Ocean Patrol.

The cruise was then left to drift unmanned in the Arctic waters. Says Captain Keeto, “It’s no big deal.”

No big deal until now! Salvagers from Cannibal Rats Cruises, CRC, boarded the ship armed with cannister after cannister of rat poison. Within a scant two days the surviving boarders managed to get the rat population down to a comfortable level.

And that’s where you come in. Hee! Hee! No not you, your neighbor from hell, your cheating spouse, your local lutefisk vendor will be ushered into there spacious staterooms. Meal times are flexible. The rats’ moods set the time. Yes, CRC, is the perfect way for your fiends to lose all those extra pounds.

And best of all, the cost of sending your unloved one on this one-way adventure? Only $77 for an interior room to just $277 for a mini-suite! Expire in a garden villa for a mere $477. How does CRC keep it rates so low?

No overhead. No crew!

Treat those special people to a voyage with Cannibal Rats Cruises. They’ll remember it to the end of their days.

Please check out Paul De Lancey’s books on
or visit his website for signed copies.

Paul De Lancey

Paul De Lancey writes in multiple genres: adventure, westerns, morality, time travel, thriller, and culinary, all spiced with zaniness. He is a frequent contributor to HumorOutcasts. His novels "Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms?" "Beneficial Murders," "We’re French and You’re Not," and "The Fur West" and his cookbook Eat Me: 169 Fun Recipes From All Over the World have won acclaim from award-winning authors. Paul is also the writer of hilarious articles and somewhat drier ones in Economics. Dr. De Lancey obtained his Doctorate in Economics from the University of Wisconsin. His thesis, “Official Reserve Management and Forecasts of Official Reserves,” disappears from bookstore shelves so quickly that most would-be purchasers can never find it in stock. Paul, known to his friends as Paul, was the proud co-host of the online literary events Bump Off Your Enemies, The Darwin Murders, and Tasteful Murders. He also co-collected, co-edited, and co-published the e-book anthologies resulting from these events. Perhaps Mr. De Lancey will someday become a literary giant without having to die for the title. The humorist is a direct descendant of the great French Emperor Napoleon. Actually, that explains a lot of things. Paul ran for President of the United States in 2012! Woo hoo! On the Bacon & Chocolate ticket. Estimates of Bacon & Chocolate’s share of the votes range from 3 to 1.5% of the total. El Candidato also lost a contentious campaign to be El Presidente of Venezuela. In late 2013, Chef Paul participated in the International Bento Competition. The great statesman is again running for president, this time under HumorOutcasts’ sponsorship. Contact Paul before he gets elected to get that ambassadorship to Tahiti you’ve always wanted. Mr. De Lancey makes his home, with his wonderful family, in Poway, California. He divides his time between being awake and asleep. His books are available at: and

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3 Responses to Cannibal Rats Cruises’ One Way Voyages

  1. January 31, 2014 at 1:55 am

    I’m making a list as we speak.

  2. January 30, 2014 at 12:14 pm

    I would rather fall overboard and be eaten by sharks. Or be haunted by ghosts on the Queen Mary. Very funny Paul!

  3. January 30, 2014 at 11:48 am

    This seems like the perfect vacation when you have someone who needs to get away (from you)! Welcome to HO, Paul (Can I call you Paul, or is that a privilege only your friends get?)

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