Hi, my name is Heidi and I’m a pot-smoking vegan. Okay, raise your hand if you thought you’d never hear me say that? All hands up? Good. Thankfully, I’m wearing Chanel underpants as I say it – so I think I’m still okay. I have some dignity for fuck sake. I decided to become a vegan for a very simple reason and before you shout health please take a step back and put down the bottle of wine – it’s me people. No, I did it for vanity reasons because there is no such thing as a fat vegan. And I had proof. One night last month I went to a neighborhood meat free restaurant and noticed that the clientele all had a particular look and I’m not talking about that odd green pallor that seems to follow non meat eaters, I’m talking about their weight. No one was obese. Not one single person. I mean, I know I live in L.A. so it’s hard to find a fat person in Silver Lake since this is where Central Casting comes everyday to pick up a truck load of hipsters for whatever cool movie they’re shooting that involves people wearing ski caps in 80 degree weather but this was crazy. Apparently, the gateway to anorexia is no meat and dairy. So of course, I became a vegan the very next day. It’s been pretty good so far. That is – until I decided to add “the pot” to “the vegan.” That’s when all hell broke loose – and by hell I mean – my scale.
After the horrific pot tea incident of 2013, I decided that I was going to have to find yet another way of getting a good nights sleep. “But why give up on weed? There are tons of other ways to ingest It.” said a friend who is clearly a pothead. He suggested I get a license and try a few things. This sounded like a fun adventure to me and the next day during my lunch hour at work – I got a medical marijuana license. Yep, it was that easy. They should make it a drive through quite frankly because I wasn’t even out of my car long enough to warrant a parking space. I told the doctor I was having sleep issues and she told me how wonderful pot was for this. (She might have been high too. In fact, I’m pretty sure everyone is high now.) So after ten seconds with her, I took a lovely picture, and boom! Medical marijuana card – done. I even got to take my picture with my cool fedora on – although that prompted my first pot place to tell me I looked like Indiana Jones. Which, fuck you, I don’t. So, there I was with card in hand and off we went to the Pot Store. I don’t know what the legal term is for these places but let’s be frank – they’re pot stores – and I love to shop. It was amazing! There are jars of pot everywhere! I live in the coolest place on earth because you can just walk into an ordinary store front and walk out with some choice buds! (That’s pot talk.) I didn’t want to smoke anything because I was afraid inhaling something was a slippery slope back to cigarettes, which – even after fifteen years – I could easily pick up tomorrow. I started with ingestible items, like gummies, some kind of chocolate chew, and even a red velvet cupcake. I got quite the education on what you can eat and man do they make it fun! I was like a kid in a pot candy store. The first night I took one eighth of the dosage they suggested. It was perfect. I slept like a baby – a very high baby. The second night I tried a bit more and KABAM! I was high as a kite and thought there was a monster in my closet that was going to eat me or stab me or stab me and then eat me. I tried a few other ingestible items but the problem was – they take to long to get you high and you never know how high you’re going to get. And that’s when I decided to take the plunge. It was time to vaporize. Again, this involved a store and shopping so that was cool. I bought a teeny little vaporizer pipe that cost more than a pair of Manolo Blahniks and a whole bunch of weed. I started with something called LIQUID COKE. The pipe is so cool because it’s a smart pipe. It lights up when it’s hot enough to use and shuts itself down when not in use, kinda like the vaporizers you can find at some place like MagicVaporizers. It’s the iPod of Vaporizers. The iPot I guess you could call it. I got a nice buzz and fell asleep. I went back to the pot store to get more but unfortunately outed myself as an old uncool woman when I asked for the DIET COKE. “You mean liquid coke?” “Uhhhhhh yeah, I was kidding. Pot humor.” Well I am now proud to say I’m becoming a sleep pot connosoire. I have TRIPLE KUSH, LIQUID COKE, RED DIAMOND AND LAVENDER. I sleep a lot better but I forgot about the one thing that comes with getting high – the munchies. I don’t know what you kids call them today but that’s what we called it back when I first smoked pot in 1843. I remember when my parents found one of my bong bubblers and I told them I was keeping it for someone else. Dumb parents. So now I’ve finally found a way to kick back and relax and get some sleep that seems not to be addictive at all – and it’s turning me into a whale and I’m afraid I’m going to eat my boobs back to their pre surgery size and once again I’m in a moron like rabbit hole that I don’t know how to climb out of. Damn you Mary Jane!! So, for now, I’m going to continue to get baked at night – but I’m going to remove all the food from my house. It seems like the smart thing to do. I’m not ready to give up on the whacky tobacky just yet. It’s something new to shop for and it doesn’t cost as much as a pair of Louboutins. Though I may get so high that I wander out of the house and into Neiman Marcus and buy a pair of Louboutins but until that happens – peace on and pipe it up people.