Crouching Shopper, Hidden Item

Ya know those big-box retailers that stop you at the exit and check your receipt? Don’t you just love the implication that you might be a criminal? Here’s how you handle that: Present your receipt and, once all is good, walk through the doors. But then stop, turn back to the security guy with a grin and shout “Hah, you missed the carrot I’ve got hidden up my butt!”

I recently read about a guy in Portland, Oregon who was exiting a big-box retailer but forgot to present his receipt. One security guard yanked his cart away while another stopped him – with a martial arts kick that broke his leg.

I’m not gonna reveal the store’s name, but I’ll bet they’re now wondering if a $700,000 lawsuit was worth securing payment for that 400-pack of raviolis.

I’m fortunate in that I’ve only had one run-in with store security. Remember Circuit City? I was in one in Portland and I’d just paid for a music cd. I walked into the restroom. A minute later another guy walked in. He was Security. But I didn’t know that because I was sitting in a stall.

“Excuse me, sir,” the guy said.

I assumed he was talking to someone at a urinal.

“Excuse me, sir,” he said again, sounding a bit edgier.

I glanced through the crack between the stall wall and the door. I didn’t see anything.

“Are you talking to me?” I asked.

“Yes, I need to see your receipt.”

I sat in baffled silence, not sure how to proceed. Do I slide it under the wall? Ball it up and roll it out? Flush the toilet and shout “Too late, buddy!” No directions were forthcoming.

“Uh, okay,” I said, “can I finish up here?”

“Yes, I’ll be outside.”

The guy met me outside the bathroom door. He checked my receipt, validating my $10.99 purchase. Then he apologized, referencing the store’s difficulties with shoplifters.

I didn’t mention that he could’ve just waited outside the restroom. I just left, knowing it wasn’t his fault. When Circuit City short-circuited and bit the dust I laughed. The one time I went back to Circuit City was for the Store Closing 75% Off sale. I bought a $16 CD for $4.

That was an awesome deal. It almost felt like I was shoplifting.