Do You Exist? Vexed Voters Are Finding Out

When Ethel Muggeridge showed up at her local polling site in the small town of Gerrymander, Texas, today to vote in the midterms she was ignored. Ethel no longer exists. She was de-registered owing to a recently passed state law that stipulates people with more than one letter g appearing consecutively in their names cannot be voters.

But ceasing to exist as a voter is only the beginning of Ethel’s problems.

“When I tried to make a purchase my credit card was rejected because I’m no longer classed as a person,” explained Muggeridge. “My security pass was invalid when I arrived at the office, and when I asked colleagues to let me in they ignored me as if I wasn’t there,” she said.

The problem is likely to get worse as more citizens discover that they have been taken off voter registration lists without their knowledge and are now non-people.

Ivan Salamander was a final year student at Mud Flat University, Mud Flat Creek, MO, until today. He no longer has any grades and his roommate now dates his girlfriend. He’s the victim of a new state law that deletes folks from registration lists who have blue eyes and were born on full-moon Thursdays during leap years.

His new status really hit home when Salamander tried to take a selfie with someone else’s cell phone, and was met with a blank screen.

“That really killed me,” he said. “I’m not sure what I’ll do now. There aren’t many jobs out there for people with no identity. My resume looks kinda thin.”

A non-profit organization called Nonexistent Individual Xenophobia (NIX) has set up shelters around the country for this new class of people. What was a trickle of victims is turning into a flood believes NIX Director, Sally Forth.

“We give them a hot meal and some counseling, but at this rate our shelters will be filled to bursting with nonexistent voters,” said Forth.

Image: Wikimedia