Ebola or Camels: How Will You Die?

Unless you’re already dead—perhaps from a virus—you’ve probably heard about the latest thing that will kill all of us. And by all of us, I mean Americans, because, after all, we’re the ones who truly matter. God put everyone else on this planet so our drones would have something to attack.

So what is this new scourge that, if not held in check, will wipe out all of humankind (Americans)?

According to the local news chick I was watching last night, an American man was killed by a camel in Mexico this week. The camel reportedly kicked and bit the man before sitting on him and crushing the poor fellow to death because—I’m not making this up—the man didn’t share his coke with the angry animal. And by coke, I mean Coca Cola—not that magic white powder we all love. Had the now deceased man been holding out on his cocaine supply, his stinginess and the camel’s vicious attack would have both been understandable.

Until yesterday, I had assumed Ebola was our biggest fear. To do my part in combating this deadly virus, I had stopped having intercourse with newly arrived Africans in the baggage claim area at O’Hare. But even that isn’t enough, because the damn thing has already spread to our beloved country. This vicious virus, which many major cable news sources are now warning can be spread by talking to someone who recently looked at a map of Africa, has killed an estimated one American in the past week. That, for the mathematically impaired, matches roughly the same number of Americans killed over that same period of time by camels.

So which of these two deadly forces should we fear most, Ebola or camels? It probably doesn’t matter because ISIS (currently third on the list of American deaths this week) is rising fast and will kill you first.

While news agencies have done their best to scare the crap out of us with warnings on how to avoid the Ebola virus, little has been said about what we can do to sidestep getting crushed to death by a camel. So here are some helpful tips on what to do if you should run into one of these deadly animals:

• Do not under any circumstances ride on a plane with a camel. According to a recent report from The National Institute of People Who Look Like They Might Know About This Stuff, air travel is now the number one carrier of all things deadly, having knocked Courtney Love completely off the list now that she’s gotten so old and ugly nobody will fuck her anymore.
• Do not exchange body fluids with a camel. True, the idea of humping a camel is kind of a turn on, but sex is a close second to plane rides in spreading deadly shit. Note to Mile High Club members: See your doctors immediately.
• Never, ever sit on a toilet seat previously used by a camel. Just good sense there.
• Make sure the camel coughs into the crook of his elbow.
• Wash your hands a lot.

And for god’s sake, if you’re drinking a coke, share the fucking thing. It could save your life.