As every good son-in-law knows, Mother-in-Law Day is rapidly approaching. It’s the fourth Sunday of this month, October 26th.
Mother-in-law (not shown actual size)
What-you haven’t started shopping yet? The good presents may already be gone!
What do you get for the mother-in-law who has everything? Under the laws of physics, it can only be something new that isn’t currently available in “nicer” gift shops.
Thanks to the friendly physicists who have created Europe’s Large Hadron Collider, an $8 billion machine that smashes protons together at the speed of light, there is something new in the universe; mini-black holes that could all get together and turn into a “matter-sucking maelstrom” someday, according to a law suit filed against them recently. The physicists, not the black holes. No lawyer with half a brain is going to file a lawsuit against a black hole.
Technically speaking, a black hole is a region of space in which the gravitational field is so powerful nothing can escape from it. To get a feeling for what one is like, hold your hand up to a vacuum cleaner suction tube, flip the switch, then spiral inward along with light and hot gases from nearby orbiting stars. Pretty neat, huh?
The new mini-black holes are being funded by top research universities. Wouldn’t you know it–the people who have learned how to vacuum all the money out of our wallets for college tuition are using that knowledge to suck all life out of the universe. Who says science doesn’t make our everyday lives better? I mean, in addition to Tang.
Aside from their inherent wicked awesomeness, single-serving black holes are a great gift for a mother-in-law who already has a donut-maker and all the other counter-top appliances she’ll ever need. Imagine your ”second mom’s” surprise when you hand her the gift box:
She already has one of these.
MOTHER-IN-LAW: What’s this sweetie?
SON-IN-LAW: Something I picked up for you for Mother-in-Law Day.
MOTHER-IN-LAW: Well, that was awfully nice of you!
[SOUND OF CRINKLING WRAPPING PAPER]
MOTHER-IN-LAW: What’s this?
SON-IN-LAW: A mini black hole!
MOTHER-IN-LAW: Honey, you shouldn’t have!
SON-IN-LAW: Aw, you’re worth it.
[SOUND OF KISSING]
SON-IN-LAW: Here–let me show you how to turn it on.
MOTHER-IN-LAW: Does it need batteries?
SON-IN-LAW: Two size D’s. I already put them in.
MOTHER-IN-LAW: You think of everything!
SON-IN-LAW: Like the Boy Scouts say–be prepared. Let’s turn it on “Low” for starters.
[SOUND OF SPACE WARPING INWARD TOWARDS BLACK HOLE CENTER]
WIFE (from kitchen): What’s that noise?
SON-IN-LAW: I’m showing your mom how to use something that will keep her busy for a while.
WIFE: How long? I’m about to put dinner on the table.
SON-IN-LAW: Oh, until the end of all life in the universe as we know it.
Available in Kindle format on amazon.com as part of the collection “Sci-Fi Kind of Guy.”
The possibilities are endless! Think of what you could give an obnoxious ex-girlfriend: a cute black dress embroidered with little black holes!
Kathy Minicozzi, whose imagination gets the better of her too often.
Give her that gift and you’ll get a kick in Uranus.
As the old saying goes, “Behind every successful husband is a shocked mother-in-law.”
How about a hole(!) line of jewelry! A lovely necklace made of mini black holes, for those hard to please relatives. Stunning mini-black hole earrings for that annoying someone. Mini-black hole ear gauges for that snotty barista.
So I guess it is inaccurate to say the sun rises and sets around you as a son-in-law. We should say, the world gets blacker because she knows you? Hm. That doesn’t sound right.