Guest Blogger Day: Stacey Gill and Sh#%ty Kitties | HumorOutcasts

Guest Blogger Day: Stacey Gill and Sh#%ty Kitties

September 25, 2014
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In an effort to get more writers known out there in the universe, we have begun to do Guest Blogger Days. Today is such a day and we are happy to feature former advertising copywriter turned award-winning journalist turned freelance writer, etc. Stacey  Gill. You can read her entire fascinating bio at onefunnymotha.com   

Do not be fooled.

Why did no one tell me how much crap two little, tiny kitties could produce before I decided to adopt them? I’ve given this some thought, and the input to output ratio for those two is scientifically impossible. I don’t know what’s going on – whether they’re feasting on a whole colony of mice at night or hitting the kitty snacks when I’m not looking – but Kitty 1 and Kitty 2 must poop at least three times a day. Each. We clean out the litter box every other day but 3 times 2 cats times 2 days equals a lot of piled-up poop. It’s crazy, and we can’t keep up with the rapid-fire pace of their GI tract.

kitten in a shoe

They may look cute, but those two little kitties are poop machines. It’s a mind-boggling site to behold. I didn’t quite believe it myself until I actually bore witness. These two kitties just may have produced the eighth wonder of the world.

When my husband first alerted me to the situation, I didn’t believe him because for one, he’s a man, and for two I thought two little kitties could not possibly be culpable for the amount of poop of which he was accusing them. While rolling my eyes, my exact thoughts were something like, “Give me a break. They are two smallish kittens. How much could they really poop?”

Then my family went away for the weekend. So I became responsible for cleaning out the litter box. My husband kindly took on that job (thanks honey!) when we got the cats because I don’t deal well with toilets of any kind, and his responsibilities include cleaning the bathrooms with litter boxes fall under that category. But when he was going to be away for 4 days he warned me I’d have to clean out the litter box at least once while he and the kids were gone. The carefully calibrated plan Kevin devised, if adhered to and properly executed, would perfectly time the litter box cleaning schedule.

The last thing Kevin did – the very last thing – before leaving for the trip was clean out the litter box. With the car running, kids, poles, and skis stuffed inside, Kevin dumped the litter into the trash, poured in fresh litter and hauled the garbage out to the curb. It was 2:45 p.m. on Thursday. This would give me until exactly Saturday evening. By Monday afternoon Kevin and the kids would be back just as the litter box required another cleaning.

As he left, Kevin warned me in a grave tone, “Don’t forget. You have until Saturday night. Then the litter box must be cleaned.”

“I know. I know.” I dismissed him with a wave of my hand. “Now go. Have a good time.”

I had a lovely, relaxing weekend and come Saturday night, I was perfectly ready for what had to be done. I grabbed a garbage bag and headed down to the basement, but when I unlatched the plastic dome cover to the litter box and cast it aside I was shocked and horrified by what awaited me.

Kevin had been right this whole time. It was exactly as he’d described. There was poop everywhere. And it had only been two days. Two days.

I only have two but this is what it feels like.

So with pooper scooper in hand I set to work. I scooped and I scooped and I scooped, and when I thought I was done, I scooped some more. I started with the obvious choices first (Kevin had mentioned one of the cats doesn’t even bother to cover up her mess, and I found that to be true as well), but when finished with those I dug around for the hidden jewels. For hours I scooped, unearthing new clumps with each swing of the pooper scooper. My arms began to ache, and I grew parched from the labor. I was exhausted and quite frankly overwhelmed by the sheer volume. The poop was never ending, and I began to fear the fresh box might not make it until it’s next scheduled cleaning. I could leave no poop behind. This boxed had to last until Kevin’s return.

Finally around midnight I finished. I tripled bagged my haul and threw the bag outside the back door. I thanked God it was over and vowed never to distrust Kevin again.

The craziest part is that the cats aren’t even fully grown. I can’t imagine anything more than what I witnessed that night. I might actually start selling tickets to see my basement cat box because the sight is truly a phenomenon. One lump in the cat box was even excreted in the likeness of the Virgin Mary.

photo credit: Viola & Cats =^..^= via photopin cc
photo credit: Viola & Cats =^..^= via photopin cc
photo credit: Tjflex2 via photopin cc

Donna Cavanagh

Donna Cavanagh is founder of HumorOutcasts.com (HO) and the partner publishing company, HumorOutcasts Press which now includes the labels Shorehouse Books and Corner Office Books (HOPress-Shorehousebooks.com). As "den mother" to the more than 100 aspiring and accomplished writers, producers, comics and authors, Cavanagh's goal is to allow creativity to flow. She is a former journalist who made an unscheduled stop into humor more than 20 years ago. Her syndicated columns helped her gain a national audience when her work landed in the pages of First Magazine and USA Today. She teaches the how-to lessons of humor and publishing at conferences and workshops throughout the country including The Philadelphia Writers' Conference and Erma Bombeck Writers Workshop. The author of four humor books, Cavanagh hopes her latest book, How to Write and Share Humor: Techniques to Tickle Funny Bones and Win Fans, will encourage writers not only to embrace their humor talents but show them off as well.

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5 Responses to Guest Blogger Day: Stacey Gill and Sh#%ty Kitties

  1. September 25, 2014 at 7:24 pm

    Ah yes. I’ve experienced this myself. Just wait till you start finding hairballs the size of Rhode Island, with your missing sock stuck in there. Yummy!

    • September 26, 2014 at 8:12 am

      Ut-oh. And I have found sizable hairballs but none the size of Rhode Island yet. I am quite dumbfounded by the amount of fur they shed as well. When we got the kitties I thought only dogs shed. Also, I love, love love your avitar. In fact I found it on photopin & used it in one of my posts b/c it was so funny. Where did you find it – or are you the owner?

  2. Bill Y Ledden
    September 25, 2014 at 2:35 pm

    Calling them Kitty 1 and Kitty2 is a bit cruel. Would you not call them Poop Machine on Steroids 1 and Poop Machine on Steroids 2?

  3. September 25, 2014 at 10:51 am

    Such a funny piece! Just in case you need a follow up piece about what happens when those cats turn 18.

    http://thedustyparachute.com/new-geriatric-pet-proofing-service/



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