High Hitler!

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So we all get that Hitler was bad.

He wasn’t Breaking Bad, he was breaking worse.

According to The Daily Mail, Adolf was using all kinds of tenderizers. Hitler was reportedly hopped up on barbiturates, bull semen (possibly why he was full of such utter bullshit), “other drugs”, and pills containing crystal meth. In fact, it’s been documented that he was on crystal meth when he met with Mussolini in 1943 and spent two entire hours crazy ranting.

Which just goes to show you that either the guy was always blitzkreiged out of his mind, or that was just his schtick, because Dude was constantly ranting. Have you seen The History Channel lately?  It’s 24 hours a day of Hitler with his palm out shouting like a Hell banshee on a bender.

According to USA Today, the Fuhrer took nine shots of meth while waiting it out in the infamous bunker before downing the cyanide that finally gave the world a reprieve from the sorry asshole and his poor, unfortunate girlfriend with the name that always reminds me of coffee.

Ahh…

By the way, what was she thinking? How did it ever become a good idea to date Hitler? What redeeming qualities was this dude exhibiting? Was it all about the endless availability of meth? Because it sure as hell wasn’t about the cute little mustache, the exemplary temperament, the ability to play well with others or massive success at art school. For crying out loud, he didn’t even eat meat. Now I’ve got nothing against vegetarians, but if a guy’s going to be a dick and he won’t even take me out for a decent steak, all bets are off.

And speaking of dicks…I’m pretty sure that if anybody had a teeny tiny one, it was this guy. Why do you think he was so massively pissed off all the time?

But back to The History Channel. If you’ve seen and loved Hitler’s Hobbies, Hitler’s Hidden Love Notes, The Secrets Hitler Took To His Grave, But We Dug Up Anyway, and many, many more, the British are making their own contribution: Hitler’s Hidden Drug Habit.

At last, burning questions will be answered.

Like…

  • Who was Hitler’s dealer? Snort or shoot?
  • Did he party with the SS, or was he exclusivist about that too
  • Why he wasn’t able to get along with his dealer either

Supposedly it’s been documented that Hitler ruled Germany while on a total of 74 drugs, including amphetamines and coke.

Kind of explains a lot, doesn’t it? And I’m just glad that most of the junkies in the world now are comics. Otherwise we’d be dealing with a lot more genocide.

So if you ever wonder why World War II was such a colossal cluster fuck, now we know.

It was high Hitler.

Photo by Recuerdos de Pandora / CC BY  

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4 thoughts on “High Hitler!”

  1. It’s interesting—-I had no idea that Hitler was on so many drugs until I saw a special last year on the History Channel about his life from childhood on up. It was really fascinating. He was such a twisted man and those drugs basically rotted out his brain. What’s harder for me to believe is that people actually listened to him and believed in him!!

  2. So one must conclude that Eva wasn’t the brightest light on the tree, or also had a power/drug habit (or both). Silly me, I thought crystal meth was born out of Sudafed, which is why I can’t buy it over the counter any more. I feel so much safer knowing megalomaniacs have to have sinus headaches too. This was hilarious! Great job.

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