WASHINGTON, D.C. Bowing to pressure from the Obama administration, Associate Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg announced today that she will step down from the Supreme Court next year in order to pursue her interest in air guitar.
Ginsburg: “I didn’t bring my air guitar with me, but if someone else has one, I’d be happy to show you a few chords.”
“Ruth is a huge air guitar nut, but her playing has suffered because of all the time we have to spend listening to stupid lawyers argue nit-picky issues,” says fellow Justice Stephen Breyer. “She’s been stuck at the Joe Perry level for years, but has the capacity to perform an Alvin Lee solo with enough practice.”
Alvin Lee of Ten Years After, left, with Justice Breyer, right, in wig.
The Supreme Court is the highest court in the United States, and is composed of nine members nominated by the President and confirmed by the Senate. Air guitar is a form of pantomime in which a federal judge pretends to play rock or heavy-metal guitar solos accompanied by exaggerated strumming gestures and a petition for a writ of habeas corpus.
“Roe . . versus Wa-a-a-ade!”
Ginsburg was nominated by President Bill Clinton in 1993, and right-wing critics say the senior female justice long ago entered her dotage. “It would be one thing if she liked Ted Nugent,” a lead guitarist who opposes gun control, said Malcolm Cowpers of the American Freedom Forum. “Instead, she spends her time during oral argument noodling around with Jerry Garcia solos under the bench.”
“Born . . . to be wi-i-i-i-i-ld!”
Ginsburg will be 82 next March, and had threatened to stay on the bench until she was 90, like former Justice John Paul Stevens, but liberals pressed her to resign in order to give President Obama the chance to appoint her successor. “I’ve been trying to master Clapton’s solo in ‘White Room’ for four decades,” Ginsburg told Air Guitar Player magazine in an exclusive interview. “It’s tricky–you have to keep your hands going and pump the air Wah-Wah pedal with your foot at the same time.”
Buddy Guy Wah-Wah pedal
Ginsburg’s resignation is likely to touch off a battle over the composition of the Court, with special interest groups pushing certain nominees in an effort to make the Court “look like America.” “You’ve got a black seat and three women’s seats,” notes University of North Dakota Law School professor Jeffrey Lukier. “But there’s no psychedelic seat and no shred guitar justice either.”
Available in Kindle format on amazon.com as part of the collection “The Supremes Greatest Hits.”
Don’t they need a drummer?