Updated guidelines for helping politicians and media outlets to maintain the outbreak of Ebola fear were released today. The existing protocols have been severely criticized for not being sufficiently frightening.
- All facts must be covered up to minimize the risk of the public being exposed to high levels of truth.
- The temperature of the debate must be kept at fever pitch at all times.
- Speeches and news reports must be sprayed liberally with dire warnings.
- Whenever possible, politicians who are unable to distinguish between an Ebola virus and a gummy worm are to give expert opinions on the virus.
- No sharp wit is to be used; predictions of Armageddon must be persuasive.
- Real experts to be wrapped in a protective shroud of secrecy and kept well away from the public.
- Any member of the public who shows symptoms of skepticism or appears unfazed by Ebola to be kept in strict isolation.