Mandatory Penis Regulation | HumorOutcasts

Mandatory Penis Regulation

November 5, 2014
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I don’t enjoy being political. My mission statement explicitly states that I am to share humor (or what I perceive to be humor), but after the polls closed on Tuesday, November 4, 2014, an amendment was added to Tennessee’s constitution that would allow lawmakers (i.e. mostly white men) to pass abortion restrictions that the State Supreme Court previously ruled as unconstitutional. This has the potential of greatly diminishing women’s rights and family planning.

If we are going to pass laws regulating women’s bodies, then it would be unjust if laws regulating men’s bodies weren’t passed as well. Thus, I propose an amendment to a state constitution that would regulate the penis. After all, unless an unwilling vagina leaps from a woman’s body, it’s the penis that results in a majority of the unplanned pregnancies when you include rape, molestation, and incest. And I don’t know about you, but I have yet to encounter a leaping vagina (knock on wood).

In Jr. High School, I was a member of The Future Farmers of America (FFA), and as a potential farmer, there was a high probability that I would encounter dangerous farming equipment like hay balers, bush hogs, and threshers, to name a few. Because of this, the leaders of this organization felt it their duty to teach us how to use this equipment responsibly because they understood that being irresponsible with tools so powerful could lead to horrible consequences. Their solution? Congregating us in the school auditorium and scaring the ever-loving shit out of all of us by projecting graphic pictures taken after tragic farming accidents. It was an hour-long parade of mangled faces, shredded torsi, and torn limbs that frightened me into respecting all farming equipment and their potential hazards.

I am of the opinion that young men require a similar method of education about their penis because, like farming equipment, this tool is very powerful and can result in potentially tragic consequences when used irresponsibly. At puberty, young men should be required to wear chastity belts until they take a course in school that provides the following:

  • Display and lengthy slideshow of pictures of castrated men who were victims of scorned lovers.
  • Have young men spend the weekend in prison with other rapists.
  • Make young men live in a state of destitution for a month because of the financial burden caused by unplanned pregnancies.
  • Display grotesque pictures of ulcerated and diseased penises from having unprotected sex.
  • Invite their Moms to the auditorium to lecture the young men on the importance of being a responsible, sexually active young man (because whether you want to believe it or not, their young boy will be having sex).

Upon successful completion of the course, the young man’s Mom will receive a key to their chastity belt.

It’s time we admit two things:

  • Sex is going to happen. Stop pretending that abstinence is the solution. We are made to be sexual beings. If you need more information on how much abstinence-only programs fail, there is a lot of data on it that you can find.
  • Stop making women the only party responsible for reproduction (whether planned or otherwise). They wouldn’t need to worry about their reproductive rights as much if we, as a collective society, didn’t place the same amount of burden on men. After all, it takes both a male and a female for a pregnancy to occur.

Do you have any additional suggestions on how to make men responsible for their penis? I’d love to hear it.

Cary Vaughn

Cary Vaughn is a GWM humor blogger from Memphis, TN. Turn ons: compliments, drinking with his cats, exploring his city, being right, MST3K, and corn dogs. Turn offs: irresponsible pet owners, mean people, and Christopher Rice novels. You can read more about the adventures of being gay and cat ownership at his blog, The Reluctant Cat Owner’s Journal.

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6 Responses to Mandatory Penis Regulation

  1. November 6, 2014 at 9:58 am

    And what is the retroactive process for skeletal penis regulation? LOVED this column.

    • November 6, 2014 at 3:13 pm

      Thanks, Suzette. Not sure what that process would be. I’ll have to consult my cabinet.

  2. November 6, 2014 at 9:57 am

    I would so love for you to see my last post here about “Let’s see who measures up, shall we?” It is about the same concept that women and men just aren’t on the same playing field here with humiliation. I love this post, and I for one would vote for you, if I lived in Tennessee. Hilarious and Great!!!Keep up the good work, Cary.

    • November 6, 2014 at 3:15 pm

      Thanks, Cathy. You made my day. I, too, feel that women are at SUCH a disadvantage when it comes to reproductive rights. It blows my mind how there are absolutely no restrictions put on men (especially since it’s just as much their fault if not MORE). Penis regulation should seriously be reviewed. Maybe if I sent this to Mr. President, he’d look over it.

  3. November 6, 2014 at 7:07 am

    I cannot believe that Tennessee doesn’t ask you to run for office. 🙂

    • November 6, 2014 at 9:54 am

      The only thing keeping me from trying for an elected position, Donna, are the skeletons in my closet.



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