Mangled Shark Attack Victim Comforted By Fact That Shark Attacks Are Rare


Surfer Jim Ross is lucky to be alive today after being attacked yesterday by a great white shark along the California coast. Airlifted to a local treatment center and reached some time after regaining consciousness, he did manage a brief statement regarding the attack:

“I was minding my own business and a great white came out of nowhere and took a large chunk of my side and leg. Doctors say that they’ll have to amputate and that one of my testicles is gone, too. But a marine biologist explained to me that shark attacks are actually very rare and that this was merely a stark statistical anomaly. So I figure when I paddle back out there next time with what’s left of my lower body, there will be an even smaller chance that a shark will attack me. So I’ve got that going for me.

He also told me that people are unnecessarily fearful of sharks mainly because of an unrealistic portrayal by Hollywood, and that sharks much prefer eating sea lions and don’t even like the taste of human flesh. So the fact that he ripped open my jewels and swallowed one stands in contrast to the fact that there’s no possible way he could have enjoyed it and almost certainly spit it out somewhere – so the joke’s on him!”

That same marine biologist explained later that there is not, in fact, a smaller chance of attack next time. Provided there’s no drainage from his wounds, there is the exact same infinitesimally small chance. He just didn’t want to correct Mr. Ross on camera. He also added that shark attacks would be reduced further simply by changing the shape of surfboards to something far less aerodynamic, like a disk.

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