Oooh-Oooh That Smell, Can’t You Smell That Smell?

It’s time for another installment of my cutting-edge advice column Dear Smelly. Installment #1 received an overwhelming number of responses in the Comment Section (okay, half of the comments were my own replies, but they still count). People need help, right now, so let’s skip the witty Intro and get right to it.

Dear Smelly:

I’m a Scotsman who’s been dating an American woman for one year. Last week a friend of my girlfriend looked at me and then told my girlfriend “Oh, he’s a real catch.” I’m still learning American colloquialisms. Is this a good sign?

Dear Scottie:

I’ll bet right now you’re thinking you kilt it on the romance front. But are you familiar with the fishing term “catch-and-release”? Unless you’re Braveheart Jr, I see you pounding the pavement soon. But hey, you can always switch teams. That’s now cool here in The Greatest Nation On Earth.

Dear Smelly:

I am a Chinese software engineer who recently started working at Microsoft. We are having a potluck at work. I have no idea what this entails. What do I bring? Help!

Dear Potluck:

Don’t worry, I’m here for ya buddy. For a company potluck you take whatever food is rotting in your fridge, spruce it up, and bring it into work. It’s called a potluck because you spice it up with lots of pot (but grind it up so it looks like oregano). Whoever brings the most dope dish usually gets promoted, so I’d recommend adding a hash-oil and vinegar dressing to your “salad.”

Dear Smelly:

I recently received a solicitation for money from a conservative group called CrossroadsGPS. I know it was founded by that former White House strategist who looks like a thumb puppet. And I get the “crossroads” part – it’s where you go to sell your soul. But what’s with the GPS?

Dear GPS:

GPS is a satellite navigation system that can locate anything, anywhere, in any weather conditions. So in this case it refers to helping you locate your head when it’s hidden up your ass. A good GPS can cut through even the densest fog of confusion. My advice? Spend your money on these collector items, because the number produced will be strictly limited to however many people want them:

Got a question for Smelly? Looking for the kind of warm, supportive advice you see above? I thought so. The Comment section is now open.