I don’t like the mornings.

By: U.S. Army Corps of Engineers Europe District

I wake up feeling like Rip Van Winkle— thirty years gone by in the blink of an eye, and suddenly I’m out of style. It makes me feel older than dirt.

The other day I complained to my mother that my right hip ached after my morning walk. “Bursitis!” she said, with a knowing grin. The kind of stuff that happens to OLD people. When I complained about the stiffness that occurs in my fingers late at night, she said, “Arthritis!” and recommended some medications.

If you really want a reminder of how old you are, go with your kids to a party that has a group of mixed ages attending. Try clearing the dance floor with those spiffy dance moves you executed so well back in the 1980’s. You’ll learn real quick how old school you really are.

Thinking on this, I’ve compiled a list of telltale signs that it’s time to join AARP and take advantage of all the senior discounts it offers. If any of the following apply to you, you probably belong to the Jurassic era:

  1. The calendar that was once filled with social engagements now has doctor appointments penciled in.
  2. You’re addicted to HGTV and the Food Network.
  3. Your medicine cabinet looks like a Walgreens pharmacy.
  4. Sunburns are out, hot flashes are in.
  5. You need to apply deodorant more than once a day.
  6. Spanx are in, thongs are out.
  7. Naps are the highlight of your day.
  8. It takes you 30 minutes to get out the door because you can’t find your keys. Once you do, you ‘re still late because you keep checking the front door to make sure you locked it. Alzheimer’s is not far away.
  9. You used to stand in line for tickets to Guns N’ Roses. Now you stand in line for a flu shot.
  10. You’re still using a VCR to record your favorite shows.
  11. The music playing in elevators and in the background at the dentist’s office is the same stuff you used to dance to in the 70’s and 80’s.
  12. Hangovers hang on longer than one day.
  13. You still use a phone book to look up phone numbers.
  14. Anti-depressants, anti-anxiety pills and Viagra are part of your daily food group.
  15. You know what triglycerides are and you monitor them carefully.
  16. You need your contacts in to find your glasses and you need your glasses on to clean your contacts.
  17. Everything in your wardrobe has adjustable waistbands.
  18. You need Starbucks to keep you awake during the day and Lunesta to fall asleep at night.

You look in the mirror and realize you are JUST LIKE YOUR PARENTS!!!!

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16 thoughts on “OVER THE HILL AND AWAY WE GO!”

  1. Ha,ha,ha! This is a perfect list, Marcia! My calendar is filled with doctor’s appointments that are crossed off because I forgot I had them and had to call to re-schedule. 🙂

  2. All of the above.
    And I look in the mirror and scream, “My Mother!!!”
    I loved how she looked with her wrinkles and laugh lines. Me? Not so much . . .

  3. Marcia, does your column ever resonate! There was a time, not that long ago, when I would react to the sight of someone in an elastic waistband with the bitchiest, hypercritical remarks. Ha! Now I revere loose waistbands and pull-on pants. Keep on telling it like it is. I plan to share with other “mature” women.

  4. Phew. I’m under the line. Only really related to two. But I was a kid when that 70s/80s music was playing and thongs – well – they were never in as far as I’m concerned. I had one once. And I guess technically it was “in” – but more “in” the wrong place as I could feel it’s effects on the back of my eyeballs.

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