SPAM Sandwich

Today we have a guest writer. I am trying to open up HO to writers who have helped us out in the past and this talented woman, Beth Rubin, is one of them.  I am sure you will enjoy her work and please feel free to share!    


beth headshot


Littering my Inbox is more spam than I ingested during three summers at Girl Scout camp. If I had a big jar of yellow mustard and some Wonder bread I could throw a picnic for the Mid-Atlantic.

I don’t need a physics lesson to know that nature abhors a vacuum. Every time I hit “unsubscribe” to a teaser for something I can live without (such as cheese-filled brats with a pound of bacon tossed in if I order before Easter), a dozen or so new messages pop up to fill the void.

Today I scanned ads about breast and penis enlargers (No thanks, I like ‘em all just the way they are), congressional representatives seeking donations, teeth whiteners, personalized calendars, domestic partnerships (I’ll pass), wrinkle removers and fillers (Not if there are needles involved), books I should buy, belly fat minimizers (20 years too late), a bracelet that will “increase strength, flexibility and balance” (Will it increase my IQ?); gluten-free recipes (hey, I like gluten!), reverse mortgages, Spamyoga retreats, silk underwear (It’s 97° on my deck), a virtual tour of Miss Ollie’s in Jackson, Tennessee, a retirement community in Tierra del Fuego (My kids would never forgive me), Christian Singles/J Date/ Singles, bladder control, and a rodeo in Kalispell. Some smartski marketer asks, “Want to make your book a bestseller?” (Hell, yes. How stupid do I look?).

I’ve entertained ads for erectile dysfunction, a trip to Antarctica (only $12k), tango lessons, Vocus, to “monitor my brand on social media in near-real time” (is Bill Maher involved?), and cancer/heart disease/MS/diabetes/cerebral palsy/overeaters anonymous/Red Cross/short people organizations.

An airline invited me to fly to Columbus for $49 (Sorry, $49 too much). I’ve dodged pitches for premium business cards “for only $5,” the First Ever Colorado Virtual Beer Tasting (What fun is that?), and the premiere of “Death and Cremation” at Fox Studios. (Go ahead, look it up if you don’t believe me.)

Of the 100 or more announcements clogging my pc’s arteries daily like nasty LDLs, six or seven are work-related, a few are from friends and family, and one is from a Nigerian gentleman with a pile of dough he’s dying to gift me—if only I’ll send him a check because his aunt is ill and, while I’m at it, include my Social Security number.

Brightening my day is the occasional flirtation from a balding blast from the past who thinks we should give it another shot (after 48 years).

If I had the discipline to delete messages without first inspecting them, I’d conserve precious hours each day. I could take up cross-stitching! Bake a soufflé. Finish my memoir, Tales of a Fallen Pork Roll Queen. But I’m weak. And, my luck, I would miss the one message sure to bring me riches and fame.

Every time I double-click on Outlook, I see my life passing before my eyes. And that’s something I can ill afford. So, please, stop e-mailing me. Unless you’re in Nigeria and have a lot of money.

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13 thoughts on “SPAM Sandwich”

    1. Nancy:

      Next time I will know to scroll down for comments.
      “Windfall of cash” has a nice ring to it.
      From your lips to god’s ear, wherever she is.
      The Nigerian gentleman and I are meeting for coffee.

  1. I empathize. I have, as of this moment, 28,219 unread emails in my yahoo email and another couple of thousand more in my other email accounts. The time it takes to sift through all of them to find ones I really want to read is so time consuming, I just kind of scan and pray, hoping I don’t miss something important. Hope your rich wish (say “rich wish” three times fast) comes true!

    1. No pennies from heaven, yet. What is the magic formula for going through all those e-mails QUICKLY? With the time I spend separating the wheat from the chaff, I could do a spinoff on War and Peace in Yiddish.

  2. How do we have the same Inbox?

    And Facebook can’t get it right either. Every time I post something about my upcoming 25th Anniversary (as in married . . . to my wife), all I see are dating sights pop up in the ads.

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