Last week, while making my usual stop at the convenience store, I spied a tiny Yorkie in the truck parked next to me. She was the cutest of all cuties that had ever cutied before. She couldn’t have been any more than three or four pounds, and immediately the need to squeeze or bite the shit out of something rose up in my soul. She was wearing a pink dress with tiny white bows on it. A PINK DRESS. WITH TINY BOWS. I’d never seen anything so adorable in my life, so I decided to get up a little closer and tell her just what I thought about her.
I started to wave and smile. “Hi….you’re sooo cute.” I told her. “I think I’m in love with you.” I made little kisses at her. She gazed at me with the dismissive curiosity of those celebrity types, rolling her eyes and shifting her attention back to licking her ass. Ingrate, I thought. About the time I was going to tell her what a fat slut she was, I realized that the flock of Mexicans in the truck on the other side had thought I was waving and talking to them the whole time. They were feverishly beckoning me over. Not having seen the dog, they seemed genuinely convinced that I had set my sites on fornicating with one or all of these fine gentlemen.
Now, if I were to randomly pick someone at the Texaco to fornicate with, a gainfully employed lawncare maintenance technician wouldn’t be the worst idea I’ve ever had. Despite that fact, I thought it best to retreat to the safety of my car and drive away without an impromptu gang bang or my Diet Coke. Those are the breaks.
Awkwardly enough, these guys stop at this store every single morning at the same time I do. Now when I see them, they try to lure me with their seductive mowing coupons and promises of paquito malezas. Yeah. Look it up. I had to. And every morning I have to respectfully decline. As I drive away and look in the rearview, they grab their man packages with their fists and shake them dramatically in my direction (I’m guessing to let me know what I’m missing out on). Has any girl ever been like…”Oh, well you weren’t looking so hot to me before, but now that you’ve presented me with your jingle bells….” and turned around? I think not.
I can only smirk, shake my head, and hope to see that little bitch in the pink outfit again someday soon.