Thank you Craigslist. I need someone to cover for me. Bill Y is going to get himself a cape.
Me, a gentlewoman:
Of good birth and in the bloom of youth;
Possessed of vast estates and holdings, including a natural cave under a waterfall in the midst of my Edenic gardens, ideal for hermit life;
Of refined sensibilities and a melancholy disposition.
You, an ornamental hermit:
Not younger than 30, not yet older than 50;
Possessing a great, grizzled beard;
True lover of solitude;
Unafflicted by any social diseases.
The successful candidate shall be provided with books, water, spectacles, a cape, an hourglass, and food from the house.
Terms of the Agreement include seven years of service, during which you shall not:
Cut your hair or beard;
Trim your nails;
Leave the premises of the hermitage;
Accept money from my gentle guests.
Duties shall include:
Reminding all passersby of our shared mortality;
Living most simply, as our forefathers did;
Providing the lady of the house such entertainments as she requires;
Serving as occasional bartender at fetes and balls.
An etching of our last hermit is provided for your reference. Your response is kindly requested.