Me: Pick out shoes. 4-year-old: For today? Me: No, for your college graduation in 18 years. 4: M: 4: But my feet will be bigger then.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) May 23, 2014
I always manage to fuck things up. *adds “management experience” to résumé*
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) May 23, 2014
Based on everything I learned from “Oregon Trail,” Oregon’s present day population is zero because everyone died fording that fucking river.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) May 23, 2014
Girl, are you my appendix? Because I have no idea what you do but someday you might kill me.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) May 23, 2014
Someone bet me a dollar I couldn’t eat an entire bag of goldfish crackers. *adds “professional fisherman” to résumé*
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) May 23, 2014
Someone posted a pic of my top tweet and it went viral on Facebook. How should I spend the $0 I just made? pic.twitter.com/otntH1UKLV
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) May 23, 2014