The fastest things in the universe: 1) sound 2) light 3) regret immediately after I made any decision
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) May 5, 2014
I never put my money where my mouth is because I’m poor. I don’t want to choke to death on a nickel.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) May 5, 2014
The best legal advice I ever received was “Make sure they don’t find the bodies.” Looking back, I’m not sure that guy was a lawyer.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) May 5, 2014
Wife: I said to get navy blue towels Me: I did W: They’re dark blue M: What about those? W: Nope. Royal blue I should’ve married a dude
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) May 5, 2014
3-year-old: Can I please have a knife? Me: Absolutely not. 3: But I said, “Please.” I might need a lawyer.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) May 5, 2014