Theater usher: Help! This guy collapsed! Me: I’m a doctor. Usher: Do CPR! Me: My doctorate is in classical poetry. *reads him a sonnet*
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) July 3, 2014
A high school diploma isn’t a real achievement. All it says is “Congrats, you made it 4 years without getting pregnant or hooked on meth.”
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) July 3, 2014
Me: I need bereavement leave. Boss: Who died? Me: Goose. Boss: “Top Gun” isn’t real. Me: TELL THAT TO MAVERICK!
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) July 3, 2014
Relationship status: I ate a KFC Family Feast by myself while sobbing in a closet.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) July 3, 2014
[junior year] Me:*tokes in the bathroom* Principal:*bursts in* You can’t smoke pot! Me: This is HIGH school Him: Me: Him:*takes a hit*
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) July 4, 2014