Me: What’s that? My dad: A map. Me: A what? Dad: It’s like GPS for the Amish.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) July 6, 2014
Interviewer: Are you fluent in any other languages? Me: I speak white girl. Him: Me: Starbucks. Team Jacob. I can’t even.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) July 6, 2014
How to golf like me: 1) Lose the ball. 2) Look everywhere for the ball. 3) Get drunk in the woods.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) July 6, 2014
After driving across Wisconsin’s scenic countryside for 5 hours, I’ve come to the following conclusions: 1) Fuck Wisconsin. That is all.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) July 6, 2014
Wife: You’re never classy. Me: Whatever. I write a line above my capital J’s. Wife: Me: It’s like a little hat. That’s classy as fuck.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) July 6, 2014