4-year-old: *hands me a beer* Me: Did you shake it? 4: No. Me:*gets drenched by a beer geyser* 4: I dropped it down the stairs.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) August 26, 2014
Me: Do you think about me often? Wife: All day every day. Me: Seriously? Wife: Revenge doesn’t plot itself.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) August 26, 2014
“You needed two more hours of sleep, idiot.”–my body, no matter how many hours of sleep I get
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) August 26, 2014
4-year-old: My friend said her dad’s name is Daddy. Why does he have the same name as you? Me: He copied me. 4: Should we call the police?
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) August 26, 2014
4-year-old: Turn up your music. I can’t hear it. Me: *turns it up* 4: Never mind. It’s bad.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) August 26, 2014