Return of the Dead – Non Zombie Style

By: Marc Aubin

Another death-defying story that creeps me out: a man in Brazil, who was declared dead of a heart attack and multiple organ failure, has jumped back to life. The doctors are not sure what happened, but my guess would be that the guy was never really dead. This is how the story goes.  The man has a heart attack and the hospital declares him a goner. After this slight error in judgment, the medical staff stuffs cotton in his nose and ears, ties him up (why was he supposed to be going somewhere?) and puts him in a black morgue bag before notifying the family. Upon hearing the news, his brother runs to his sibling’s house, grabs one of his suits and races to the morgue with said suit to dress the body.

Personally, I would think dressing the body is a job for a mortician. I am hypothesizing here but I think it would be difficult for a non-expert to dress a dead body.  It’s not like the deceased can cooperate and hold their arms up or step into pants or anything like that.  They don’t listen well at all.

Anyway, I find it strange that within an hour of hearing the news of their beloved’s death, the family jumps into action dressing the body, buying a casket and arranging a funeral for the next day.  Was there an evil plan in the works?  It doesn’t matter because even if there were a devious plot, it was foiled by the guy coming back to life.  The dead man began wriggling in the bag, and as they say, the jig was up.  The brother called for a medical team, who stormed into the room and boldly pronounced the man alive, which I guess is a little less challenging in Brazil than pronouncing him dead.  If this were the US, 18 lawyers would be in the morgue ready to sue the doctors and hospital before the newly undeceased even had a chance to throw on his underwear.

The once departed soul said a Brazilian saint held his hand and told him to push through the bag.  The man believes he has cheated death for a reason. My guess the reason is to get Brazil to revoke the licenses of the team of doctors who can’t tell live from dead, but that’s just me. Didn’t they have that little machine that goes beep, beep, beep to measure heartbeats?  They could have at least put a spoon in front of the guy’s mouth to see if it fogged up with his breath. Well, fortunately, the man is still breathing and enjoying life again. Unfortunately, it’s not a total happy ending.  The resurrected man’s sister is unsure if the mortuary will return her deposit that she put down for the funeral as the mortuary claims it would have still held the funeral regardless of circumstances.  Really?  Should they have provided the funeral home with a spare dead body?  Is there a corpse second string for these types of situations?

Moral of this tale?  Well, there are three:

Don’t be afraid to ask for a second opinion or a thousand opinions if you die in Brazil.

Always get an out clause from your funeral director in case you decide not to show up at your own funeral

And finally, keep an extra body in your freezer because you never know when you’ll need it.


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22 thoughts on “Return of the Dead – Non Zombie Style”

  1. Family tradition has it that if one doesn’t drop to the floor in a stupor similar to death after the first course of holiday dinner, then the meal wasn’t a culinary success. BTW – we don’t have family in Brazil.

  2. Am I the only one who hopes this happens to me when my time comes? It would be like buying an ice cream cone and having them put on an extra scoop without charging for it.

  3. Bwahahaha! We’ve used the spoon trick numerous times. It’s our go-to entrance exam for anyone wanting to join our community drama society. Just a thought, but I wonder if those funereal deposits are transferable. Or if you could stand out in front of the funeral home and scalp (pun intended) the deposit.

    1. scalping funeral deposits…That is a great idea!!!! you are too smart. I might have to come see one of your community drama productions. I will bring my own spoon!

  4. Sound advice as always Don Don’t but what does one do when the fridge is not big enough to hold all the extra bodies, one has been keeping?

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