Do Houses Have Feelings?

There’s a town next door to my hometown in Connecticut that holds the dubious distinction of having the largest house in the state. This town has quaint, old colonial style homes, a town green, gently babbling brooks, and a real cider mill we used to visit as kids. It also has this:

According to news reports the house has nine kitchens. Which makes sense when you learn that its been owned by a string of single guys. When the sink fills up and the kitchen gets too nasty to deal with, you just move on to the next one. You’re gonna be losing the house soon anyways, so you’ll never need to do the dishes.

The house was built by the founder of a realty business who ran a ponzi scheme in the ‘80s. He “lost” his investors’ money (check out his brother’s new Lamborghini!) and went to prison. He sold the house after going into bankruptcy.

A Lithuanian businessman snapped it up, but then had to sell it a year later. He too was facing bankruptcy.

Then a professional boxer grabbed it. And this is when the serious renovations started. The property gained some badly needed additions: a nightclub, an indoor shooting range, and an all-pink bedroom.

That guy went into bankruptcy.

So a rapper grabbed the house. He added more essentials, including a helipad, a private casino, and stripper poles (everyone knows that a house just isn’t a home until it has stripper poles). This guy is now facing bankruptcy. You can picture the realtor adding little hooks from Home Depot to the poles and telling prospective buyers, “They’re coat racks. The previous owner had tons of jackets.”

Realtors in the area are probably speculating on who will get overwhelmed next by the Palace At Ver-Why? But here’s the more important thing — I think this house is trying to tell us something. It’s hurt and lashing out at its owners. Like all people, it just wants to be respected and loved despite its size. It wants to be taken seriously and be an actual home, not an asset.

If the new owners add a metal swing set, the house will back off. But if they come in with stone lions for the driveway and solid-gold ashtrays, the house will fight back. But there’s a bright side to all this — with 52 rooms, there’s plenty of space to have your own full time, live-in bankruptcy lawyer.