Fortune Ate Lee | HumorOutcasts

Fortune Ate Lee

April 21, 2015


Remember Mr. Lee from that old Calgon commercial? That guy lied about his “ancient Chinese secret” and I think fortune cookies do too.

I’m on to you, fortune cookies.

You’re all full of your vague wisdom. Well, I say no more! I am here to dispel the mystery for you people, once and for all. In the name of justice and all that is good and true, in so far as cardboard tasting dessert and random wisdom go, anyway.

So…fortune ate Lee…for you…here’s my take on fortune cookie speak, you know, to kind of take the confusing out of Confucius.


Cop out.

You enjoy giving gifts of yourself to others, you will be rewarded.

Beware of STD’s.

Your efforts have not gone unnoticed.

When you set up your best friends and they get divorced, that shit stays with you.

Think like a man of action and act like a man of thought.

How to feel like a woman on steroids.

Patience is one of the hardest virtues to master.

Yeah…get to the point, asshole.

Your infinite capacity for patience will be rewarded sooner or later.

Be patient because the rewards usually come later.

Well done is better than well said.

If you’re a writer, you’re screwed.


Somehow your mother even manages to nag you during dessert.

Getting together with old friends brings new adventures.

If your ex shows up to the party, be prepared for a fist fight.

A small house can hold as much happiness as a big one.

See? Now don’t you feel better about not being able to afford that McMansion?

Your home will be visited by good health and wealth.

Put a pot of coffee on. Richard Simmons and Ed McMahon are coming over.


This fortune cookie scribe could’ve enlisted the help of a “team” proofreader.


A good friendship is often more important than a passionate romance.

So binging on Ben & Jerry’s with your BFF on a Saturday night really is better.

Made in the USA.

That explains the Kung Pao Chicken.

Good clothes open many doors. Go shopping.

There are commercials in fortune cookies too.

Inch by inch life’s a cinch. Yard by yard life is hard.

Size does matter, ladies.


Also the one who sleeps on couch.

A mile walked with a friend contains only a hundred steps.

Your friends don’t exercise? The walk will be from the fridge to the couch.

You cannot run away from yourself; you’re always right behind you.

You’re paranoid and your shadow is out to get you.

Linda Roy

Linda Roy is a humorist, writer, musician living in New Jersey with her husband and two boys. Her blog elleroy was here is a mix of humor and music she refers to as "funny with a soundtrack". She is Managing Partner and Editor-in-Chief at the politics & pop culture website Lefty Pop and was named one of BlogHer's Voices of the Year for 2014. Her work has appeared at The Huffington Post, Scary Mommy, In the Powder Room, Aiming Low, Funny Not Slutty, Erma Bombeck Writer's Workshop, Midlife Boulevard, Mamapedia, Sprocket Ink, The Weeklings, and BonBon Break. She's the female Larry David, and will criticize your parallel parking to prove it. When she's not snarking and kvetching, she's fronting the Indie/Americana band Jehova Waitresses.

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3 Responses to Fortune Ate Lee

  1. April 21, 2015 at 8:30 pm

    Your next post will require less thought……….cause this one was rockin’ with fortune cookie wisdom…..that ain’t easy! Nice post!

  2. April 21, 2015 at 12:35 pm

    Yes fortune cookies anymore are bits of advice not fortunes.

  3. Bill Spencer
    April 21, 2015 at 11:50 am

    You have a keen sense of humor and love a good time.

    (You are Linda Roy.)

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