Freedonia Goes Off Weasel Standard, Roiling Currency Markets

NGORZSKL, Freedonia. The Freedonian Bourski, the central bank of this land-locked European country, announced Friday that it will no longer back the flemux, the official currency, with weasels for the first time since the nation was formed after World War II with parts of Poland, Czechoslovakia and an abandoned amusement park.

“Why should we ship the precious symbol of our motherland’s manhood overseas just because some currency speculator has made a lucky bet?” asked Minister of Finance Emil Slotzki-Uranoy. “We need every weasel we can get, and then some.”

10,000, 20,000 and 50,000 Flemux notes

Shock waves felt in U.S. and European currency markets were at first attributed to the move, but were later determined to have been a by-product of mid-winter static electricity caused by feet shuffling over carpets. “If you want to see a market roiled by Freedonia,” noted Francois Armand-Grillet of Banque Normand, “you should maybe go a turnip stall in an open-air vegetable market.”

Freedonia has unsuccessfully sought admission to the European Union since the formation of the multi-nation body in 1993, but has been rebuffed by cool countries such as France and Italy. “Freedonians women wear unfashionable headscarves and smell of turmeric,” an herb of the ginger family used in uliz-beck, the country’s principal snack food, noted EuroFashion editor Mariel Malraux. “They wash only monthly, unlike the French who bathe weekly whether they need it or not.”

Conversion to the Euro, the official currency of the Eurozone, can have dire consequences for countries who switch from a less widely-used medium of exchange. “Citizens of the Eurozone are free to leave their country, where they would otherwise have to remain at home,” notes Slotzki-Uranoy. “I am hoping it would motivate my brother-in-law to move out of our apartment.”

Weasel: Now free to back other currencies.

With the slender predatory mammal no longer backing its currency, Freedonian economists predict a surge in economic activity. “I used to feel sorry for the little buggers,” says Prof. Emil Lklued of the University of Grkdsil. “They have such short little legs, it is tough work backing the currency of my homeland, referred to affectionately by Angela Merkel as ‘Nation of Loafers.’”