I’m Packin’ So You’re Wrong | HumorOutcasts

I’m Packin’ So You’re Wrong

November 18, 2015


An election year is truly a polarizing event.

Actually, it’s more like Halloween.  Because people you see every day, people you usually get along with, suddenly appear before you wearing the ghastly costume of reactionary conservatives (or uppity liberals, depending on which side of the fence).

With the election looming in the distance like a massive haboob on the horizon, I recently engaged in a daylong debate at work with our Set Cops. Set Cops are those fabulous LAPD officers that make extra money in their retirement by protecting film crews from the ravages of society trying to gain access to our snack table. And us. They protect us.

LAPD motor cop

I guess the word “debate” would be inaccurate. Nobody debates cops. They tell you the way it is. And if you try and say otherwise, their hand goes instinctually to their holster strap. I don’t think they even know they do it. That is unnerving in a discussion.


I’m kind of used to talking with the opposition, since I live in a suburb of Southern California that is known for being a promised land for Republicans.  On past election days, they used to send a limo to pick me up and take me to the polls because everyone wanted to see what a Democrat looked like.

So after a day of being told the merits, or lack thereof, of our respective candidates, I will offer this suggestion for talking politics with members of law enforcement:  don’t do it because they carry guns, and inevitably will be right because of that.  Which, in my mind, encapsulates our Republican view of the world.  There, I said it.


Okay then, since I have stepped in the puddle of politics, I offer these choice tidbits, actual quotes, from my day of talking with retired law enforcement officers:

“I like a woman who can shoot.”

“Obama sat on a committee with a known radical bomber.”

“Back in the day, a buddy of mine in Viet Nam was going to kill Jane Fonda, but she changed her itinerary.”

“The deficit was never intended, or designed, to be paid off.”

“We’re fighting for peace.”

And my personal favorite from the day:

“You liberals need to start making educated and informed decisions.”

And with that, I encourage you to encourage everyone you know to vote.


Forrest Brakeman

Forrest is a former stand-up comedian, half of the ancient comedy team of Proops & Brakeman. After training with the Groundlings, he founded the improv comedy group Los Angeles Theatresports where he performed and served as Co-Artistic Director. Forrest has performed at The Comedy Store and The Laugh Factory in Los Angeles, The Punch Line and Cobb's Pub in San Francisco, and has appeared on The Tonight Show and The Sunday Comics. His essays have been published in the Los Angeles Times, Huffington Post, Scary Mommy/The Mid, Boomer Cafe, the Los Angeles Daily News, NPR's "This I Believe," and the Chicago Cubs Yearbook (you heard me).

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8 Responses to I’m Packin’ So You’re Wrong

  1. Bill Y Ledden
    November 18, 2015 at 2:45 pm

    You wrote “Ha” and “boob”‘ together in one word.

  2. Diana Meckfessel
    November 18, 2015 at 1:20 pm

    “And if you try and say otherwise, their hand goes instinctually to their holster strap.”
    A metaphor for somethings else long and dangling? Or rather short and – nevermind…
    Great article, Forrest!

    • November 18, 2015 at 7:40 pm

      Ah, Diana, you win! You win the internet metaphor prize!

  3. November 18, 2015 at 10:58 am

    Good one. That title says it all.

    • November 18, 2015 at 11:35 am

      Thanks Roz! I felt brave and stupid all at the same time.

  4. Bill Spencer
    November 18, 2015 at 10:17 am

    It’s like Halloween with no treats, only tricks.

    I really, really admire the phrase “haboob on the horizon.”

    • November 18, 2015 at 11:36 am

      That phrase hit its intended target. What up, Bill?

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