Although the last of Reese’s Chocolate & Peanut Butter Pumpkins were sold in late August, and now the stores are full of Reese’s Chocolate & Peanut Butter Easter Eggs, the actual holiday of Halloween is still a few days away. If you haven’t planned your costume, you still have time. This year’s hot items are sure to be Trump wigs, any superhero, and the ever popular Bill & Hillary Clinton combo.
However, in Halloween costume wear, there are some lines that either have been crossed too many times or just should never be crossed at all. In order to help you determine those lines, I present my Most Inappropriate Halloween Costumes List. Please don’t be one of these people:
Cute Baby as Ruthless Sociopath
OK, let’s face it, some kids are going to be cute no matter what you put on them. But Hitler? What does little Tommy say when he gets to daycare and his friend Sally, dressed as a butterfly, asks who he is supposed to be? “Oh, some man who killed millions of people because they were different and then nearly lead the world to destruction? My dad thought I looked good with this mustache. Want to trade this Super Bubble gum for a snack-sized Snickers?”
No. Just, no. At this point in his life, Tommy is a blank slate. That isn’t real facial hair. You can paint him up to look like any person you want, which from what I understand is one of the main reasons to have children in the first place. However, ruthless dictators are never a good idea.
The ‘Ol Droopy Boob Gag
Where to start with this? For one, my apologies to the poor airbrush artist who was asked to paint those hounds. I am sure he was sitting at his booth enjoying a nice fall festival and spreading happiness by painting “RIP Dale Earnhardt” or “Billy Jack loves LaWanda Dean” on the front of t-shirts made of something other than 100% cotton. Suddenly, Granny comes up and asks if she can have something special painted. Thinking she means a beer koozie or the back of her shorts, he eagerly agrees. The next thing he knows, Granny has pulled off her shirt, hauled up her ample bosom on to the table, and says she wants two dachshund-faced dogs in place of her appropriately looking wiener boobs.
Yes, she let the dogs out. Let’s all be thankful she left the cat inside. And just because she did, does not mean you should.
The, “Look at My Bird!” Costume
I am not sure the point of this costume. I mean, yes, men are obsessed with their member, but not all of us should be showing it off in public. Perhaps this dude just wants to show off his body in which case there are a ton of better options. Maybe it is a spin on the great SNL skit/video “Dick in a Box,” but Justin Timberlake would never offer his dick to someone in a takeout pizza box. A stick of pepperoni is phallic, you say? All this does is sets up people to raise that box and with a disappointed face say, “Oh. I asked for extra pepperoni,” or, “I order a large, not a small.”
It’s just too risky, bro. Too risky.
The Let’s Make Fun of Less Fortunate People aka The White Privilege Special
Odds are we all know someone or one of our friends knows someone who has lost or nearly lost a home to foreclosure. Times are tough, man. The last thing you want at a Halloween party is someone thinking that losing your home is so funny and cute, it would make a great costume.
Furthermore, this costume implies that the wearer’s bits are foreclosed. The breast windows are broken and boarded, and the VaJayJay door is bolted shut. What does this say about her? I am broke down and nasty? I am primarily used by runaway and squatters who are addicted meth and heroin? I’m cheap, and a fixer-upper?
No. No. No.
I don’t even…I can’t…I just don’t know what…
Overly Sexed-Up Baby Girls
In the words of the great P!nk, “Whatever happened to the dreams of a girl president? She’s dancing in the video next to 50-cent.” No wonder, people. No wonder. Girls have a hard enough time in this world once they are old enough to understand sexism and the dangers of glass ceilings. There is no need to teach toddler Tammy to pole dance, and just because your baby has an unnaturally large chest doesn’t mean she be relegated to the Hooters costume.
Sorry if I rained on any of your planned costumes for this year, but in the case I did, YOU ARE WELCOME. One more thing, because, inexplicably, it needs repeated every year. No black face. Not even a little.
If you are in doubt, stick with Trump or Batman. Or ask me if I have ever worn that particular costume. If I have, odds are it’s inappropriate. Examples of two of my recent Halloween creations:
50 Shades of Grey
(Yes, that is a riding crop in my mouth)
(Also yes, that is a skeleton-faced fiddle player in the background. I run with a dangerous crowd.)
Here I am as a One-Night Stand. Get it? One Nightstand? And yes, I thought appropriate to wear this in front of small children. What?
Whether you heed my advice or not, have a very happy Halloween! I would love to see some of your costumes from this year or from past years. Post some in the comment section if you dare!