Investing in Bigfoot the Wall Street Way?

Is your investment portfolio a snooze? Are you tired of making money with Apple stock?  Do you need something more exciting than Bulls and Bears?  Well, how about adding Bigfoot?

Yes, indeedy.   Spearheaded by the Bigfoot expert Carmine Biscardi, “Bigfoot Project Investments” is hoping to raise $3 million to advance the cause of Bigfoot research.  Well, to be accurate, the $3 million is going for the production of DVDs and high-budget movies that will educate the public on the Bigfoot creature or creatures or big guys in hairy suits. Also included in his goals is the $100,000+-per-year budget which will go to Bigfoot researchers and expeditions to track down the mysterious beast and prove its existence to the scientific community. Lest you think that is just another crowd funding plea on the internet, think again.  He has filed papers with the SEC for the investment opportunity whose goal clearly states is to “capture the creature known as Bigfoot.”

I can only laud Mr. Biscardi’s efforts here.  He could have gone the Kick Starter route, but he chose to go the Wall Street route. Why? Because he wanted to add a sense of legitimacy and honesty to the whole thing.  And isn’t that what we all see in Wall Street?

I mean no disrespect to Mr. Biscardi, but the fund to find Bigfoot is only the first step in his research model. Once the investment dollars lead to the location of Bigfoot, the hard work begins. He has to build an image for Bigfoot that will capture the hearts of humanoids everywhere and make them want to make a Bigfoot their own.  So, this is my promotion plan for life after the discovery of Bigfoot.

I would produce Infomercials on networks like Hallmark, MeTV and Antenna TV.  They need some fresh ads. Right now, those classic comedy stations only air ads on walk in tubs, final expense insurance, Life Alert and of course, ambulance chasing lawyers suing for bad drugs.  Bigfoot infomercials that resemble the ASPCA commercials with some celebrity crying about the plights of Bigfoot (or is it Bigfeet when there are more than one?), would brighten up those networks and give the  human “old timers” a much needed diversion from their own growing fears of their ensuing disability and demise.

Life-size replica Bigfoot Billboards on our nation’s busiest highways: Nothing would stop traffic faster on the Jersey Turnpike like a Hairy Beast (and I don’t mean the men from the Jersey Shore) poised and ready to jump on the road by the Newark Airport or Lincoln Tunnel exits. So close to NYC, every media outlet on the planet will be on board to promote the cause of Bigfoot.

Radio show tours:  Okay, you have all heard the expression he has a “face for radio?”   No one has a face for radio like Sasquatch.  Put him on NPR, get the sympathy listeners and the money will flow in.

HumorOutcasts Press/Shorehouse Books would be happy to publish a book written by the creature himself.  I know bookstores don’t like indie publishers, but I would surmise they might think twice about this guy.  We could title the book Being Bigfoot: finding love and acceptance in the human world.   Get your handkerchiefs ready. This is pure emotion gold.

And finally, a stint on Dancing with the Stars.  Who wouldn’t want to be partnered with this guy? Who would judge him off the show?  Okay, he would probably stink under the lights, but partner him with a celebrity who needs a career boost, and this is a winning season all the way around, and his charity could be Bringing Bigfeet together all over the world.