Stung by shocking expose films made by animal rights groups and rising concern over the excessive use of growth hormones in animal feed, the meat industry has announced a revolutionary new method for fattening animals.
Chickens, cows, and pigs are fed a couch potato diet of chips, soda, and TV binge watching.
In confidential trials of the new system, animals sat on wooden couches in front of flat-screen TVs while munching on an endless supply of potato chips and soda. Not only did the animals gain weight in record time, they fell into a coma-like state and did not need to be medicated to calm them down.
“We found that binge-watching Fox News and reality TV shows was by far the most effective method,” said Dr. Clarence Cud, an industry expert who led the trails. “Within minutes the animals’ eyes glazed over and you could almost see them putting on weight.” The weight increases are so rapid – particularly around the animals’ girths – that there is no need to administer growth hormones.
The industry now plans to roll out full-sized fattening facilities equipped with miles of couches, feed troughs for chips, and soda cup holders with specially shaped straws. By the end of the year consumers should be able to buy meat with a “couch potato fed” label, according to the industry.
A problem that might slow the introduction of the program is that a number of animals were reluctant to take their eyes off of the TVs, and whined uncontrollably when the TVs were switch off. In some cases cows had to be winched out of their couches.
Cud acknowledged the problem, but maintained that “showing reruns of presidential election debates gets them out of their seats and running in the opposite direction.”