NFL to Review Pats Fans’ Lucky Underwear

BOSTON.  To Del Stebbins, former Assistant Director of Officiating for the National Football League, the first tip-off that something was wrong yesterday came at around 7 p.m. when he “answered nature’s call” at McGreevey’s, a sports bar visible from the Massachusetts Turnpike.  “I looked down and saw this guy next to me had his official New England Patriots underwear on inside out,” he says as he prepares a written report to Roger Goodell, the league’s commissioner.  “I didn’t think anything of it until that kid Butler made the play,” he adds, referring to the last-second interception that clinched the Pats’ 28-24 Super Bowl win over the Seattle Seahawks.  “Then, the links between the disparate pieces of the sinister plot became apparent.”

“The fault was not in their stars, but in their pants.”

Stebbins is referring to a conspiracy to violate NFL rules by superstitious means on the part of Tony Murphy, the man at the next urinal, and other Patriots fans who used supernatural powers to aid the Patriots, in much the same manner that a lineman pushes a running back from behind.  “We have reports from New Hampshire to Rhode Island that New England fans wore lucky underwear and other articles of clothing in a manner contrary to NFL guidelines,” said Pete Chimailis, who monitors fashion-related superstitions for the league.  “We take this sort of thing very seriously, unlike concussions and domestic abuse.”

“Dear Lord, if the Pats win I’ll never drink anything but light beer again.”

Professional football fans are permitted to reverse lucky articles of clothing only when the teams they root for are in “rally” mode, trailing by at least ten points with less than two minutes to play.  Wearing a jersey or hat in an unconventional manner can add “mojo” or “juju” to the effectiveness of lucky clothes, and is accordingly banned as a performance-enhancing stimulant.

Massachusetts is the most highly-educated state in the nation with more than 40% of its residents holding at least a bachelor’s degree, but belief in the influence of supernatural powers over seemingly trivial events persists among many.  “Our ancestors believed that a witch could make your cow sick,” notes Professor Emil Brodowski at the University of Massachusetts-Seekonk.  “Four hundred years later, the descendants of those people are convinced that their boxer shorts can neutralize a loud-mouthed cornerback in a cover-2 alignment.”

Evil prevails!

While some called sour grapes as the Patriots celebrated their fourth Super Bowl win in the last fifteen years, others supported the league’s inquiry.  “There’s really no explanation other than witchcraft for their success,” said Emily Girardin, author of The Necromancer’s Guide to Pro Football, “unless it’s a brain cramp on the part of your offensive coordinator.”