The Third Time’s The Charm


I’m convinced that in a previous life I was an inventor. That, or I was an automotive engineer, because many of my ideas involve cars (which makes no sense because I’m not really into cars).

My first invention was sharp. It derived from seeing a kid wearing a skull cap with a little fan on the top. My idea was to put those fans behind the grill and on the roof of a car. The car would generate its own power while moving, as well as harness the wind when it was parked.

My friends laughed at that idea.

Undeterred, I moved onto my second idea, a dual-fuel car powered by both gasoline and human fat. Why, I reasoned, should someone pay for liposuction when they could get paid by Shell or Chevron to sell their fat?

My friends laughed at that idea too.

So now I’m moving away from power-generation, a topic which obviously causes my friends to laugh at me. My newest car-idea focuses on human fitness.

Think about the clutch, brake, and gear-shifter on a car. From a fitness perspective they’re useless, because they’re so easy to use. In my car you’d have a button on the dashboard that lets you make the clutch stiffer to depress. Now your left leg gets a workout. Same for the right leg with the brake. And the gear shifter would function like a gym machine or a resistance band as you strain to move into 3rd gear.

I know what you’re thinking (some discouraging, defeatist bs about “safety”). I’m not gonna listen to it because I don’t listen to haters. Because here are the facts:

Fact: In most cities traffic is hell.

Fact: Our Republican congress doesn’t believe in investing in infrastructure because it makes sense.

Fact: Traffic is only going to get worse.

Fact: For some reason women are increasingly drawn to having strong, sculpted upper-arm muscles.

So dig this: you’re creeping along the highway, moving 10 feet at a time. Which blows, because you won’t be able to get to the gym tonight. Just like last night. In the past you’d curse your situation and get pissed off. But sitting inside my Total Body Workout Car you’ll get BUFF!

My friends won’t be laughing when this brilliant idea comes to fruition. At which point we’ll move on to developing the Fat-And-Fan Powered Total Body Workout Car.

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4 thoughts on “The Third Time’s The Charm”

  1. You mightn’t believe this Tom but I once has this idea of taxing people around in a car for money but oh no, I was told that someone got there before me and there was no way that it would work again. Ah well, back to the drawing board I suppose.

  2. You’re a genius before your time, although there was a plastic surgeon who got caught powering his bio car with human fat. I just worry that your inner car gym won’t result in upside down traction…in a hospital!

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