HAMTRAMCK, Michigan. Two-thirty in the morning is way past 10-year-old Tiffany Pultz’s bedtime, but her mother woke her up yesterday at that early hour so she could be witness to history. “I wanted her to see that ANYBODY in America can become president,” says her mother Sue. “Even a member of an oppressed minority like us.”
“You are gonna look just as cute as a pea-hen when I get done with you!”
The Pultzs are Orange-Americans, an ethnic group that traces its lineage back to H.A. Milton Blake, the inventor of sun tan lotion. Members say their day in the sun arrived early Wednesday morning when former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton conceded the race for the Presidency to Donald Trump, making him the highest-ranking Orange-American in U.S. history.
Don’t forget your tanning goggles!
“John Boehner was Speaker of the House, which was the previous record,” says Armand Nastroff, Chairman of the Department of Orange Studies at the University of Florida-Hollywood. “There is no higher office than President, unless you count being host of The Voice.”
“I just want to serve my country, and hosting The Voice would be my way of giving back.”
Orange-Americans face widespread discrimination in the workplace, where the use of spray-on tan and tanning beds is viewed as a sign of low intelligence and immoral character. “The wage gap between tanners and ‘palefaces’ is about 18%,” says tanning-rights advocate Linda Rae Holtz. “We are also 24% more likely to be fired and 37% more likely to be laid off, and when you combine those three percentages it makes a pretty good Powerball number.”
*Sniff* Tears of joy!
Foreign leaders say they are concerned that the high level of attention that Trump’s early-1960’s “duck’s ass” hairdo and 365-day-a-year tan require will distract him from world affairs, but others are less concerned. “A good president will surround himself with highly-talented ‘yes men’ to take care of trivial crap like the economy, healthcare, and national defense,” says Myron Floritz of the Millard Fillmore Institute of Public Policy at the University of Iowa-Keokuk. “The more time Trump spends on his appearance, the less damage he can do to important stuff like whose picture goes on stamps, bills and coins.”
Now available in Pepto-Bismol pink!
For ordinary Orange-Americans, however, the hopes that Trump has raised go beyond the political to the world of cosmetology, which some mistake for cosmology, the study of the origins of the universe. “It just feels right that after our first black president we’re getting an orange one,” says Sue Pultz as she puts her bleary-eyed daughter back to bed. “There’s a TV show called ‘Orange is the New Black’ that explains it.”